Mr Nice Guy

My entire life I've been an extremely caring, compassionate, generous person. I may be one of the most easygoing people you've ever meant.

Even on my worst day drunk I would still go out of my way to be nice.

It's who I am and how I was raised, and is ingrained in the very fiber of my being.

The only problem is that I end up getting taken advantage of A LOT because of it. People all to often mistake kindness for weakness. I vowed a longgggg time ago never to change who I am because, well... most people suck. That won't make me stop being a nice person.

Sometimes I feel like when someone I care about is having a bad day it's me who they take it out on. Not because I deserve it, but because they know I'll forgive them. I'm an easy mark in that respect.

I've also been made aware of a horrible coping mechanism I've developed over the years. Something I watched my father do for most of childhood, something he watched his parents do to each other his entire life. When someone I care about hurts me, I tend to use it against them. To somehow use my kind words and turn them into awful, hurtful things. I don't do it often, but when I do it's not pretty. I've also come to the realization that I'm very passive aggressive when angry, or hurt.

Its something I worked on for a long time in my youth, that came back somehow during my drinking. I'm much better with it now, and working daily to break the habit.

OK so now after reading what I've written I likely sound like a skitzo... but its true. I have no idea where I'm going with his, except for the fact that I'm fairly certain its all a result of me being 'Mr. Nice Guy' for most of my life.

My best friend has been sick this entire week. Her sister graduates college tomorrow so her entire family came into town. She hasn't been to a meeting in 5 days, so after I asked how she was I simply reminded her she should try to hit a meeting. We both remind one another of simple things like that all the time. She snapped at me, and told me not to lecture her. She's been doing this more and more.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of snapping at her, but I'm working on it.

The same goes for my father. He was able to, for the most part, stop saying the hurtful things he used to say all the time. However on occasion the asshole creeps back out. Yesterday he tried to blame me for everything thats gone wrong with my family for the last 8 years. Did I play a role in some of it? Yes, maybe 30% of the problems. I'm certainly not responsible for it all. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

People in my life, people I'm close to do shit like this all the time. Then 10 minutes, a few hours, or a day later I end up apologizing for doing NOTHING wrong. Either that or I forgive them on the spot.

IT SUCKS!!!

I will never change my forgiving nature... I just wish people would stop taking advantage of 'Mr. Nice Guy.'

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

(P.S. I know I'm all over the place with this, and not sure if I even make sense. Just, as always, needed to vent)

Day 75

I have no idea whats happened to me since last week.

Everything has been going fine in terms of wanting a drink. I've handled a TON of obstacles sober the last 75 days that would have likely made others in early sobriety have to pickup a white chip.

I can't get out of my head! Its driving me INSANE!!

I don't feel right the last few days. I just want my life to be the way it was again.

So many people in my life keep telling me how proud they are of me, and how my sobriety is an inspiration. Yet all I want to do is have a shot of Tequila.

Not saying I plan on drinking and throwing away 75 days. Its just really trying.

My best friend just hit 120 days yesterday. I'm so proud of her I can't even put it into words!! She's come so far, and has changed so much its amazing.

I'm so worried about her though. Her primary addiction is drugs, and she's in AA because of the stronger sobriety. Apparently somewhere along the line a doctor said that her drinking seemed to be situational and not an addiction.

The last few weeks she's started thinking about drinking again. She honestly thinks she can drink safely and not use again.  This scares the shit out of me. She's a very strong, determined person. Let's say she was able to control her drinking. All it takes is for someone to offer her a pill after a few drinks and she's back to square one. We all know the likelihood of her saying NO in that state. Its not her will I question, its the disease. The addict mind alone is dangerous, let alone combined with alcohol.

I also know the chances of me drinking again are exponentially greater if she starts drinking. If she starts drinking again I know I'll likely have to cut ties. My sobriety is too important. Its the last thing I want to do, and I'm deathly afraid of having to make that choice. She's the closest person to me in the entire world.

I've decided to just "Let Go and Let God" handle this one.

This toolbox I've been given, this book. They don't prepare you for situations like this. My higher power is all I have to depend on, and it seems he's kinda been fucking with me as of late.

Nobody said this would be easy... but come on give me a fucking break!

I went to a meeting last night where the topic was dealing with anger... and it actually made me angry. How the hell does that help?!?

I'm so angry, so depressed. I know, I know... this too shall pass, easy does it, one day at a time, meeting makers make it, etc... How about this really fucking sucks sometimes, and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Why isn't that on a wall somewhere?

There's so much to learn. I have sssooo much further to grow as a person in sobriety. This shit is scary!!

Just needed a good vent. I feel a little better now, and realize this blog is an excellent tool for coping with whats on my mind so expect to see me more.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Day 24 - F Bombs Galore

Its one giant fucking roller-coaster. I'm up one minute, and down the next.

Ignorant people piss me the fuck off.

I hate myself, I hate stupid people, I hate my family for not understanding anything I'm going through.

If I tell someone I need a few minutes alone to calm down and blog, why the fuck can they not leave me alone without making some stupid fucking snide remark?

For some reason I feel threatened by this kid who my best friend met at a meeting. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. It has nothing to do with my next statement, but I'm generally good at reading people and I don't trust him. I'm also pissed off because he's better looking than me, and he's way to fucking smooth to be a good person... nobody that smooth is ever a good person.

When I was drinking I never really cared what everyone else looked like. Now I can't stop focusing on the fact that I don't like my appearance. I don't feel attractive in the slightest bit (I know I sound like a woman... but I guarantee I'm not the only guy to ever feel this way). I feel like every woman I've liked or tried to date over the last few years has put me in the friend zone because I have "an awesome personality, we get along great" but I'm not attractive enough or not a giant douche bag so I'm not dateable.

I hate rude, uneducated people who don't think before they speak. I'm trying to practice acceptance, but I just can't help but want to tell some people to fuck off. Practice what you preach (i know i know... I'm working on acceptance just go with it). When I say uneducated I don't mean they don't have a degree. I'm talking about people who claim to know this program so well and live by it, but the second they walk out of the door its like they flipped off the 'AA switch'.

I'm sick of people who think because they have a few years in the program that they have all the answers. I mean shit I may only be on day 24, but maybe... just maybe I have something I can add that SOMEONE ELSE might benefit from.

Also where does it say I can't be there to help a woman in the program? I don't mean 13th stepping someone. I find that INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL and COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. What I mean is if there's someone of the opposite sex outside smoking a cigarette crying where does it say that I can't be there to talk to - for support?  NOWHERE!!!!!

"Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism."

"Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."

Did I miss something?

I'm sick of always being there for people, and when I need someone I feel alone.

Why does everyone in my life, outside of the program think they know whats wrong or whats best for me? I don't want your advice and I don't want to hear your thoughts if you don't know what its like to be where I am. If you're in the program its one thing, but if you don't have any fucking clue what your talking about then don't get upset when I politely tell you that you don't understand, or if I politely listen but choose not to follow the advice.

Yes, I'm aware the bulk of this makes no sense... I just need a good vent.

Everything is confusing, life makes no sense. I hate that I'm short tempered with everyone, I don't know how to live sober. I know drinking won't solve it... or else I'd be at a bar instead of blogging right now. Knowing is half the battle I guess.

On a brighter note my sponsor is great, he heard me share today in a meeting and decided we should start working the steps after seeing my willingness and devotion to be in this program just from hearing me speak. I could tell he was apprehensive the first few days... he wasn't sure what to make of me or if he should even think about step work or busy work. I've had an open mind since my first week in the program, and the amount I've learned in just 24 days is absolutely amazing.

Its just a matter of learning how to use it now... and that my friends is an entirely different adventure.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...