81 Days...

I will be picking up a white chip tonight or tomorrow after 81 days without a drink.

I had 2 Bud Lights and a shot of tequila last night.

Not leaving the program, not planning on doing it again. Just had to see for myself.

Don't want to go into it, and I'm not sure how I feel about what I've done but shit happens.

I'll post more later.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

December 12, 2010 - Quote

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Day 75

I have no idea whats happened to me since last week.

Everything has been going fine in terms of wanting a drink. I've handled a TON of obstacles sober the last 75 days that would have likely made others in early sobriety have to pickup a white chip.

I can't get out of my head! Its driving me INSANE!!

I don't feel right the last few days. I just want my life to be the way it was again.

So many people in my life keep telling me how proud they are of me, and how my sobriety is an inspiration. Yet all I want to do is have a shot of Tequila.

Not saying I plan on drinking and throwing away 75 days. Its just really trying.

My best friend just hit 120 days yesterday. I'm so proud of her I can't even put it into words!! She's come so far, and has changed so much its amazing.

I'm so worried about her though. Her primary addiction is drugs, and she's in AA because of the stronger sobriety. Apparently somewhere along the line a doctor said that her drinking seemed to be situational and not an addiction.

The last few weeks she's started thinking about drinking again. She honestly thinks she can drink safely and not use again.  This scares the shit out of me. She's a very strong, determined person. Let's say she was able to control her drinking. All it takes is for someone to offer her a pill after a few drinks and she's back to square one. We all know the likelihood of her saying NO in that state. Its not her will I question, its the disease. The addict mind alone is dangerous, let alone combined with alcohol.

I also know the chances of me drinking again are exponentially greater if she starts drinking. If she starts drinking again I know I'll likely have to cut ties. My sobriety is too important. Its the last thing I want to do, and I'm deathly afraid of having to make that choice. She's the closest person to me in the entire world.

I've decided to just "Let Go and Let God" handle this one.

This toolbox I've been given, this book. They don't prepare you for situations like this. My higher power is all I have to depend on, and it seems he's kinda been fucking with me as of late.

Nobody said this would be easy... but come on give me a fucking break!

I went to a meeting last night where the topic was dealing with anger... and it actually made me angry. How the hell does that help?!?

I'm so angry, so depressed. I know, I know... this too shall pass, easy does it, one day at a time, meeting makers make it, etc... How about this really fucking sucks sometimes, and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Why isn't that on a wall somewhere?

There's so much to learn. I have sssooo much further to grow as a person in sobriety. This shit is scary!!

Just needed a good vent. I feel a little better now, and realize this blog is an excellent tool for coping with whats on my mind so expect to see me more.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

61 What?

I'll be updating sometime today.

Everything has been REALLY REALLY crazy around here!!

I've gone back to both of my jobs full time, MAJOR family issues which are ongoing... the list goes on! I'll be filling in all the blanks shortly promise!

The good news? I have not had a drink in 61 days and my best friend has been sober for 107 days!!

More to come shortly. Until then...
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic....

October 31, 2010 - Quote

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” -John Quincy Adams

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 27, 2010 - Quote

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." -Buddha

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 26, 2010 - Quote

"An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men." -Thomas Fuller

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 24, 2010 - Quote

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Day 28

I just hit my knees for the first time in, well, God knows how long.

I prayed for strength. Strength to get me through today, strength for my best friend. I apologized to God for not being around as much as I should have, for not praying for the past few years.

I prayed that he keep my best friend strong, she's having a really tough time with everything.

My pink cloud is officially gone.

The program says I should take care of myself first, which I have been doing. I don't agree with me not caring for her, or worrying about her. Being there when she needs me. That's who I am... that's who I've always been. Someone who deeply cares for others, especially the people I love. I love her.

She's been in a downward spiral the last few days, she's stopped confiding in me. She feels alone. I could never stop caring for her, or not be there. I know I'm never alone as long as I have her in my life. Yes... I know I always have God too, but its nice to have someone speak back.

She's never alone in this world, I'm always here for her. I love her unconditionally. I can't describe the way I love her. Its more than just a friend that I know, but I've never experienced this before. I'm not IN love with her, but I've never cared so much for someone who's not related to me. I can't explain it... but I know if she wasn't in my life I'd feel lost. She makes me feel better, knowing she's there just makes me feel safe I guess. We can talk about anything, everything. If there was a word beyond comfortable thats what I'd use to describe how I feel with her. No matter how fucked up everything gets, or how bad a day we both may have, I just feel better knowing I have her in my life.

I'm at a loss right now as to what to do. Instead of being there for her, reassuring her, my friends mother brought her to the hospital for a drug test this morning. She refuses to believe that this is what we go through to get better. The lady went to one al-anon meeting and thinks she's got it all figured out.

The reality of the fact is that every time my friend turns to her mother for, well, a mother she ends up worse off than where she started. Somedays I wish I could just 'kidnap' her from that situation. She loves her family so much, and I know they love her... they just don't understand. They think they do, but they have NO IDEA what this is like.

This program, this process... its not easy. It takes everything I have every day to stay strong enough to not drink or not go back to pills. When I felt anxiety over this a few minutes ago my first thought was to find my father's Xanex which I quickly talked myself out of. I know how fucked up my mind is, and I can't begin to imagine whats going on inside hers.

The fact that she's gotten so depressed, so hopeless scares the shit out of me. It's in God's hands now... all I can do is pray. The progress she's made the last few weeks. I can't even begin to explain the changes I've seen for the positive.

It's ironic... she's been telling me to hit my knees on some of my worst days and I've refused to do it until now. She's a great friend, a great companion. I can't imagine my life without her.

Today I called out of work,  I'm planning on hitting meetings ALL day. I need AA in my life today, I need as many meetings as I can get. Its gonna be one of those one minute at a time days.

Please keep me and my best friend in your prayers today. We BOTH need it.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic.

26 Days?!?

Quick note... I didn't realize today was 26 days until I looked at the sobriety counter on my blog.

Since waking up this morning I've thought it was day 25.

Strange... I've been so focused on that number for the last 26 days. How could I not know its day 26?

Time flys when you're having fun I guess? ::sarcastic tone::

In all honesty it's just been a rough few weeks. As a fellow blogger in recovery commented yesterday I'm still on the 'big rollercoaster'. I had a GREAT day yesterday for a change, and so far despite some early morning nonsense (my fault... I overslept) I'm still feeling really good!!

Meeting with my sponsor at 4:30 to begin step work. I'll update tonight with more on that I'm sure.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 20, 2010 - Quote

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar." -Raymond Linquist

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 19, 2010 - Quote

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." -Helen Keller

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Day 24 - F Bombs Galore

Its one giant fucking roller-coaster. I'm up one minute, and down the next.

Ignorant people piss me the fuck off.

I hate myself, I hate stupid people, I hate my family for not understanding anything I'm going through.

If I tell someone I need a few minutes alone to calm down and blog, why the fuck can they not leave me alone without making some stupid fucking snide remark?

For some reason I feel threatened by this kid who my best friend met at a meeting. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. It has nothing to do with my next statement, but I'm generally good at reading people and I don't trust him. I'm also pissed off because he's better looking than me, and he's way to fucking smooth to be a good person... nobody that smooth is ever a good person.

When I was drinking I never really cared what everyone else looked like. Now I can't stop focusing on the fact that I don't like my appearance. I don't feel attractive in the slightest bit (I know I sound like a woman... but I guarantee I'm not the only guy to ever feel this way). I feel like every woman I've liked or tried to date over the last few years has put me in the friend zone because I have "an awesome personality, we get along great" but I'm not attractive enough or not a giant douche bag so I'm not dateable.

I hate rude, uneducated people who don't think before they speak. I'm trying to practice acceptance, but I just can't help but want to tell some people to fuck off. Practice what you preach (i know i know... I'm working on acceptance just go with it). When I say uneducated I don't mean they don't have a degree. I'm talking about people who claim to know this program so well and live by it, but the second they walk out of the door its like they flipped off the 'AA switch'.

I'm sick of people who think because they have a few years in the program that they have all the answers. I mean shit I may only be on day 24, but maybe... just maybe I have something I can add that SOMEONE ELSE might benefit from.

Also where does it say I can't be there to help a woman in the program? I don't mean 13th stepping someone. I find that INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL and COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. What I mean is if there's someone of the opposite sex outside smoking a cigarette crying where does it say that I can't be there to talk to - for support?  NOWHERE!!!!!

"Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism."

"Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."

Did I miss something?

I'm sick of always being there for people, and when I need someone I feel alone.

Why does everyone in my life, outside of the program think they know whats wrong or whats best for me? I don't want your advice and I don't want to hear your thoughts if you don't know what its like to be where I am. If you're in the program its one thing, but if you don't have any fucking clue what your talking about then don't get upset when I politely tell you that you don't understand, or if I politely listen but choose not to follow the advice.

Yes, I'm aware the bulk of this makes no sense... I just need a good vent.

Everything is confusing, life makes no sense. I hate that I'm short tempered with everyone, I don't know how to live sober. I know drinking won't solve it... or else I'd be at a bar instead of blogging right now. Knowing is half the battle I guess.

On a brighter note my sponsor is great, he heard me share today in a meeting and decided we should start working the steps after seeing my willingness and devotion to be in this program just from hearing me speak. I could tell he was apprehensive the first few days... he wasn't sure what to make of me or if he should even think about step work or busy work. I've had an open mind since my first week in the program, and the amount I've learned in just 24 days is absolutely amazing.

Its just a matter of learning how to use it now... and that my friends is an entirely different adventure.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 15, 2010 - Quote

"No man is an island entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." -John Donne

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 13, 2010 - Quote

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there." -Bo Jackson

I have A LOT I need to get down in a blog... so expect something later today. I've been hitting a lot of meetings and am exhausted by the end of the day, so its hard to keep up... but this blog is an important part of my recovery so I'm finding time today at some point to 'spill my guts.'

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 10, 2010 - Quote

"Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy." - Bill Blackman


My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Day 15

15 Days!  It's hard to believe I've been sober for 15 days.

I don't feel as angry anymore (but I'm still insanely cranky ha-ha). FINALLY got a good nights sleep last night.

My body's starting to like this sober thing. The sober 'mush mind' isn't as mushy anymore.

Still get the shakes... A LOT but its not as bad as the first few days.

Full meals... yummmm. Hadn't had much of an appetite until the last few days... now give me something to eat and I'll destroy it!

I'm really starting to like sobriety. It feels good!!

The temporary 'Pink Clouds' are still amazing, but I don't depend on them as much right now. Not every day is going to be perfect. Sure they seemed perfect while drinking, but that's because I really didn't give a shit anymore. As strange as it sounds its nice to feel the effects of a bad day.

Today is also my best friends 60th day of sobriety. I'm overwhelmed with a sense of pride. 60 days is HUGE! Her 60 days has given me so much hope, so much inspiration. Hell I'm excited for 15!!

Never did I think I'd see the day when I'd be excited to bring my best friend to get a 60 day chip. If you told me a few months ago I'd be as proud as I am to see this day, or be as excited as I am looking forward to my 30 day chip... I would have thought you were insane.

I'm in complete awe! The second family I've began to make at meetings has quickly expanded to the net... who would have ever thought I'd find so many folks in recovery with a blog started to vent. Even more amazing is the strength you all give me daily.

It's a HUGE day for my best friend at 60 days, its a HUGE day for me at 15 days. This sobriety thing is nice. Who knows how I'll feel about it tomorrow, but that's not an issue. I'm taking this 'One day at a time.'

“Great effort from great motives is the best definition of a happy life.” –William Ellery

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...