“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?'”
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
November 11, 2010 - Quote
Day 49
"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." -Frederick Douglass
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." -Frederick Douglass
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Monday, November 1, 2010
November 1, 2010 - Quote
"Our strength grows out of our weaknesses."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Miracles...
I've always thought of miracles as having to be something major.
Examples: "That baby was really sick... it's a miracle she lived" or "Those miners were trapped in that mine for months, its a miracle they all survived."
Lately I've started noticing the little miracles in life.
I've been sober for 33 days today. That right there is a miracle in itself.
Everyday when I walk into an AA meeting and see familiar faces, just knowing those people are all still sober.... miracle.
Seeing someone who's gone back out to drink come back to an AA meeting... miracle.
Sobriety has made me notice the little miracles that happen in life everyday.
This week I was lucky enough to witness not only the miracle of my 30th day of sobriety, but also a miracle so big its left a lasting impact on me.
Last week my best friend's insurance company dropped her from her PHP Rehab Program (Partial Hospitalization Program) because she missed a day for being sick. Within 24 hours of that happening her mother accused her of using and brought her to the hospital for a drug test, and shortly thereafter her sponsor 'dropped' her. She had no idea what she was going to do, and to be honest I thought for sure she was going to give up. I don't think I've ever seen her so depressed.
I had no idea what to do, except keep getting her to meetings.
Monday her PHP program called and said she could complete her outpatient rehab program at a facility called Hazelden. She immediately perked right up and we drove over to speak with the admissions woman. Only problem was that PHP neglected to tell her insurance wouldn't cover this program. The cost with a substantial discount? $4500.00 which her mother refused to pay.
My mind went into overdrive. How could I get her into this program?
At one point I had a substantial amount of money, but I haven't worked in months and am in the process of starting a new company. I simply don't have that kind of cash. I began to go though my art collection to see what I could sell to make this happen.
She would have never let me pay, so the plan was to sell whatever I had to (even if it was everything I own) to get the money, then tell her it was paid for by some sort of foundation. I was scrambling and panicking trying to figure out how to make it work. Simply put I love her... not getting her into this program was NOT an option.
Tuesday a miracle happened. We had both briefly spoke with this nice man at AA meetings before, mostly just in passing over a cigarette. At one point she mentioned Hazelden and he told her he was very familiar with the program and if she had any questions, needed any information, or a contact at the place to just ask.
Monday it just so happened that she sat next to him for a cigarette after a meeting, and she told him about not being able to get into the program. He said he would make some calls and she would get into the program. We both wern't sure what this ment... but the prospect was very exciting.
Yesterday I was at a meeting with him, and we began talking over a cigarette post meeting as usual. He asked me about my friend and I told him how I was scrambling to find the money to make it work.
This is where the miracle comes in. He told me that he wanted to pay for her program. No strings attached. He didn't want anyone to know it was him, didn't want anything in return. Just wanted to 'Pay it Forward' because someone had done the same for him years ago. All he asked was that she do the same someday when she can. He asked me to relay everything he had said to me, and encourage her to say yes.
I quickly came home and told her. She spoke to him at some length over the phone, and now begins her IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) this coming week.
The first reaction I had was EXTREME guilt that for the first time ever I didn't have the money. I felt horrible for letting this complete stranger pay for her program. Suddenly I lost it in the middle of the day, broke down and cried. How could my life have come to this point? WHAT THE FUCK had I done to my life?
My mother gave me a hug and explained that this truly was a miracle. I had prayed on this for awhile now, but I guess I didn't expect my prayers to be answered in this form.
Without this program there is no doubt in my mind she would have ended up back in an inpatient facility at some point in the future. She needs this outpatient program.
I don't know how or what I would have done to pay for this... as they say desperate people do desperate things, and we were both desperate.
This is a true miracle, and this generous stranger; this generous angel surely gave my friend a gift she'll remember for the rest of her life.
Today I'm still upset I couldn't help, but I'm now looking at this as a miracle. Someday I too will pay this forward. It's changed not only her life, but mine as well.
Thank you kind stranger. You will never truly realize the miracle you've bestowed on us both.
God works in mysterious ways. Thank you lord.
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Examples: "That baby was really sick... it's a miracle she lived" or "Those miners were trapped in that mine for months, its a miracle they all survived."
Lately I've started noticing the little miracles in life.
I've been sober for 33 days today. That right there is a miracle in itself.
Everyday when I walk into an AA meeting and see familiar faces, just knowing those people are all still sober.... miracle.
Seeing someone who's gone back out to drink come back to an AA meeting... miracle.
Sobriety has made me notice the little miracles that happen in life everyday.
This week I was lucky enough to witness not only the miracle of my 30th day of sobriety, but also a miracle so big its left a lasting impact on me.
Last week my best friend's insurance company dropped her from her PHP Rehab Program (Partial Hospitalization Program) because she missed a day for being sick. Within 24 hours of that happening her mother accused her of using and brought her to the hospital for a drug test, and shortly thereafter her sponsor 'dropped' her. She had no idea what she was going to do, and to be honest I thought for sure she was going to give up. I don't think I've ever seen her so depressed.
I had no idea what to do, except keep getting her to meetings.
Monday her PHP program called and said she could complete her outpatient rehab program at a facility called Hazelden. She immediately perked right up and we drove over to speak with the admissions woman. Only problem was that PHP neglected to tell her insurance wouldn't cover this program. The cost with a substantial discount? $4500.00 which her mother refused to pay.
My mind went into overdrive. How could I get her into this program?
At one point I had a substantial amount of money, but I haven't worked in months and am in the process of starting a new company. I simply don't have that kind of cash. I began to go though my art collection to see what I could sell to make this happen.
She would have never let me pay, so the plan was to sell whatever I had to (even if it was everything I own) to get the money, then tell her it was paid for by some sort of foundation. I was scrambling and panicking trying to figure out how to make it work. Simply put I love her... not getting her into this program was NOT an option.
Tuesday a miracle happened. We had both briefly spoke with this nice man at AA meetings before, mostly just in passing over a cigarette. At one point she mentioned Hazelden and he told her he was very familiar with the program and if she had any questions, needed any information, or a contact at the place to just ask.
Monday it just so happened that she sat next to him for a cigarette after a meeting, and she told him about not being able to get into the program. He said he would make some calls and she would get into the program. We both wern't sure what this ment... but the prospect was very exciting.
Yesterday I was at a meeting with him, and we began talking over a cigarette post meeting as usual. He asked me about my friend and I told him how I was scrambling to find the money to make it work.
This is where the miracle comes in. He told me that he wanted to pay for her program. No strings attached. He didn't want anyone to know it was him, didn't want anything in return. Just wanted to 'Pay it Forward' because someone had done the same for him years ago. All he asked was that she do the same someday when she can. He asked me to relay everything he had said to me, and encourage her to say yes.
I quickly came home and told her. She spoke to him at some length over the phone, and now begins her IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) this coming week.
The first reaction I had was EXTREME guilt that for the first time ever I didn't have the money. I felt horrible for letting this complete stranger pay for her program. Suddenly I lost it in the middle of the day, broke down and cried. How could my life have come to this point? WHAT THE FUCK had I done to my life?
My mother gave me a hug and explained that this truly was a miracle. I had prayed on this for awhile now, but I guess I didn't expect my prayers to be answered in this form.
Without this program there is no doubt in my mind she would have ended up back in an inpatient facility at some point in the future. She needs this outpatient program.
I don't know how or what I would have done to pay for this... as they say desperate people do desperate things, and we were both desperate.
This is a true miracle, and this generous stranger; this generous angel surely gave my friend a gift she'll remember for the rest of her life.
Today I'm still upset I couldn't help, but I'm now looking at this as a miracle. Someday I too will pay this forward. It's changed not only her life, but mine as well.
Thank you kind stranger. You will never truly realize the miracle you've bestowed on us both.
God works in mysterious ways. Thank you lord.
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
October 26, 2010 - Quote
"An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men." -Thomas Fuller
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
October 24, 2010 - Quote
"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Saturday, October 23, 2010
October 23, 2010 - Quote
"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do..." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Day 28
I just hit my knees for the first time in, well, God knows how long.
I prayed for strength. Strength to get me through today, strength for my best friend. I apologized to God for not being around as much as I should have, for not praying for the past few years.
I prayed that he keep my best friend strong, she's having a really tough time with everything.
My pink cloud is officially gone.
The program says I should take care of myself first, which I have been doing. I don't agree with me not caring for her, or worrying about her. Being there when she needs me. That's who I am... that's who I've always been. Someone who deeply cares for others, especially the people I love. I love her.
She's been in a downward spiral the last few days, she's stopped confiding in me. She feels alone. I could never stop caring for her, or not be there. I know I'm never alone as long as I have her in my life. Yes... I know I always have God too, but its nice to have someone speak back.
She's never alone in this world, I'm always here for her. I love her unconditionally. I can't describe the way I love her. Its more than just a friend that I know, but I've never experienced this before. I'm not IN love with her, but I've never cared so much for someone who's not related to me. I can't explain it... but I know if she wasn't in my life I'd feel lost. She makes me feel better, knowing she's there just makes me feel safe I guess. We can talk about anything, everything. If there was a word beyond comfortable thats what I'd use to describe how I feel with her. No matter how fucked up everything gets, or how bad a day we both may have, I just feel better knowing I have her in my life.
I'm at a loss right now as to what to do. Instead of being there for her, reassuring her, my friends mother brought her to the hospital for a drug test this morning. She refuses to believe that this is what we go through to get better. The lady went to one al-anon meeting and thinks she's got it all figured out.
The reality of the fact is that every time my friend turns to her mother for, well, a mother she ends up worse off than where she started. Somedays I wish I could just 'kidnap' her from that situation. She loves her family so much, and I know they love her... they just don't understand. They think they do, but they have NO IDEA what this is like.
This program, this process... its not easy. It takes everything I have every day to stay strong enough to not drink or not go back to pills. When I felt anxiety over this a few minutes ago my first thought was to find my father's Xanex which I quickly talked myself out of. I know how fucked up my mind is, and I can't begin to imagine whats going on inside hers.
The fact that she's gotten so depressed, so hopeless scares the shit out of me. It's in God's hands now... all I can do is pray. The progress she's made the last few weeks. I can't even begin to explain the changes I've seen for the positive.
It's ironic... she's been telling me to hit my knees on some of my worst days and I've refused to do it until now. She's a great friend, a great companion. I can't imagine my life without her.
Today I called out of work, I'm planning on hitting meetings ALL day. I need AA in my life today, I need as many meetings as I can get. Its gonna be one of those one minute at a time days.
Please keep me and my best friend in your prayers today. We BOTH need it.
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic.
I prayed for strength. Strength to get me through today, strength for my best friend. I apologized to God for not being around as much as I should have, for not praying for the past few years.
I prayed that he keep my best friend strong, she's having a really tough time with everything.
My pink cloud is officially gone.
The program says I should take care of myself first, which I have been doing. I don't agree with me not caring for her, or worrying about her. Being there when she needs me. That's who I am... that's who I've always been. Someone who deeply cares for others, especially the people I love. I love her.
She's been in a downward spiral the last few days, she's stopped confiding in me. She feels alone. I could never stop caring for her, or not be there. I know I'm never alone as long as I have her in my life. Yes... I know I always have God too, but its nice to have someone speak back.
She's never alone in this world, I'm always here for her. I love her unconditionally. I can't describe the way I love her. Its more than just a friend that I know, but I've never experienced this before. I'm not IN love with her, but I've never cared so much for someone who's not related to me. I can't explain it... but I know if she wasn't in my life I'd feel lost. She makes me feel better, knowing she's there just makes me feel safe I guess. We can talk about anything, everything. If there was a word beyond comfortable thats what I'd use to describe how I feel with her. No matter how fucked up everything gets, or how bad a day we both may have, I just feel better knowing I have her in my life.
I'm at a loss right now as to what to do. Instead of being there for her, reassuring her, my friends mother brought her to the hospital for a drug test this morning. She refuses to believe that this is what we go through to get better. The lady went to one al-anon meeting and thinks she's got it all figured out.
The reality of the fact is that every time my friend turns to her mother for, well, a mother she ends up worse off than where she started. Somedays I wish I could just 'kidnap' her from that situation. She loves her family so much, and I know they love her... they just don't understand. They think they do, but they have NO IDEA what this is like.
This program, this process... its not easy. It takes everything I have every day to stay strong enough to not drink or not go back to pills. When I felt anxiety over this a few minutes ago my first thought was to find my father's Xanex which I quickly talked myself out of. I know how fucked up my mind is, and I can't begin to imagine whats going on inside hers.
The fact that she's gotten so depressed, so hopeless scares the shit out of me. It's in God's hands now... all I can do is pray. The progress she's made the last few weeks. I can't even begin to explain the changes I've seen for the positive.
It's ironic... she's been telling me to hit my knees on some of my worst days and I've refused to do it until now. She's a great friend, a great companion. I can't imagine my life without her.
Today I called out of work, I'm planning on hitting meetings ALL day. I need AA in my life today, I need as many meetings as I can get. Its gonna be one of those one minute at a time days.
Please keep me and my best friend in your prayers today. We BOTH need it.
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
October 19, 2010 - Quote
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." -Helen Keller
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Courage and Fear
Today's day 12. I've made up my mind to never drink again. I can't... nothing good could possibly come from it. I've lost to much already. Now I'm deathly afraid of losing something else.
I'm worried about my best friend. She starts everyday so excited and ready to go, but inevitably something happens during the day to knock her off that early morning pink cloud. She seems so down, like she's lost her focus on recovery. It's impossible to get her to go to meetings the last few days, unless I have to force her. To be honest that scares the shit out of me!!
We both always have such a renewed spirit, renewed strength and courage when we leave a meeting - I'm worried she's going to lose that.
Another concern are the people she met in Rehab. My best friend is so trusting, and has such a kind heart. She keeps getting screwed by people she met in rehab. She thinks because she spent 28 days with them that they have some sort of bond, she often refers to rehab as camp.
Now I know a lot of these people are just normal people with addiction issues, but I'm afraid she's going to start hanging out with these people during or after recovery and take a dive off the wagon. She thinks that because her and I can be strong for each other and not drink or use together - not let one another fall back into old habits, that every person she met in rehab is like that. I know this isn't true, and I'm deathly afraid.
I hear so many stories about people coming out of rehab, hanging out with or dating someone they met there, and quickly ending up back in rehab once again.
I'm deathly afraid, I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost her. We've been through so much together, I couldn't lose her again. At the same time I love being there for each other through this recovery process, it keeps me strong. We're opening up to one another again, we've both realized we don't need to be on something to still have an amazing time together. My fear is no longer will she still love me sober... it's will she stay sober with me?
God please keep us both strong, and grant us the courage and strength to stay sober - one day at a time.
"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." - Dan Rather
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
I'm worried about my best friend. She starts everyday so excited and ready to go, but inevitably something happens during the day to knock her off that early morning pink cloud. She seems so down, like she's lost her focus on recovery. It's impossible to get her to go to meetings the last few days, unless I have to force her. To be honest that scares the shit out of me!!
We both always have such a renewed spirit, renewed strength and courage when we leave a meeting - I'm worried she's going to lose that.
Another concern are the people she met in Rehab. My best friend is so trusting, and has such a kind heart. She keeps getting screwed by people she met in rehab. She thinks because she spent 28 days with them that they have some sort of bond, she often refers to rehab as camp.
Now I know a lot of these people are just normal people with addiction issues, but I'm afraid she's going to start hanging out with these people during or after recovery and take a dive off the wagon. She thinks that because her and I can be strong for each other and not drink or use together - not let one another fall back into old habits, that every person she met in rehab is like that. I know this isn't true, and I'm deathly afraid.
I hear so many stories about people coming out of rehab, hanging out with or dating someone they met there, and quickly ending up back in rehab once again.
I'm deathly afraid, I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost her. We've been through so much together, I couldn't lose her again. At the same time I love being there for each other through this recovery process, it keeps me strong. We're opening up to one another again, we've both realized we don't need to be on something to still have an amazing time together. My fear is no longer will she still love me sober... it's will she stay sober with me?
God please keep us both strong, and grant us the courage and strength to stay sober - one day at a time.
"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." - Dan Rather
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
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