Tuesday, December 14, 2010

81 Days...

I will be picking up a white chip tonight or tomorrow after 81 days without a drink.

I had 2 Bud Lights and a shot of tequila last night.

Not leaving the program, not planning on doing it again. Just had to see for myself.

Don't want to go into it, and I'm not sure how I feel about what I've done but shit happens.

I'll post more later.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

December 12, 2010 - Quote

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Mr Nice Guy

My entire life I've been an extremely caring, compassionate, generous person. I may be one of the most easygoing people you've ever meant.

Even on my worst day drunk I would still go out of my way to be nice.

It's who I am and how I was raised, and is ingrained in the very fiber of my being.

The only problem is that I end up getting taken advantage of A LOT because of it. People all to often mistake kindness for weakness. I vowed a longgggg time ago never to change who I am because, well... most people suck. That won't make me stop being a nice person.

Sometimes I feel like when someone I care about is having a bad day it's me who they take it out on. Not because I deserve it, but because they know I'll forgive them. I'm an easy mark in that respect.

I've also been made aware of a horrible coping mechanism I've developed over the years. Something I watched my father do for most of childhood, something he watched his parents do to each other his entire life. When someone I care about hurts me, I tend to use it against them. To somehow use my kind words and turn them into awful, hurtful things. I don't do it often, but when I do it's not pretty. I've also come to the realization that I'm very passive aggressive when angry, or hurt.

Its something I worked on for a long time in my youth, that came back somehow during my drinking. I'm much better with it now, and working daily to break the habit.

OK so now after reading what I've written I likely sound like a skitzo... but its true. I have no idea where I'm going with his, except for the fact that I'm fairly certain its all a result of me being 'Mr. Nice Guy' for most of my life.

My best friend has been sick this entire week. Her sister graduates college tomorrow so her entire family came into town. She hasn't been to a meeting in 5 days, so after I asked how she was I simply reminded her she should try to hit a meeting. We both remind one another of simple things like that all the time. She snapped at me, and told me not to lecture her. She's been doing this more and more.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of snapping at her, but I'm working on it.

The same goes for my father. He was able to, for the most part, stop saying the hurtful things he used to say all the time. However on occasion the asshole creeps back out. Yesterday he tried to blame me for everything thats gone wrong with my family for the last 8 years. Did I play a role in some of it? Yes, maybe 30% of the problems. I'm certainly not responsible for it all. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

People in my life, people I'm close to do shit like this all the time. Then 10 minutes, a few hours, or a day later I end up apologizing for doing NOTHING wrong. Either that or I forgive them on the spot.


I will never change my forgiving nature... I just wish people would stop taking advantage of 'Mr. Nice Guy.'

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

(P.S. I know I'm all over the place with this, and not sure if I even make sense. Just, as always, needed to vent)

December 11, 2010 - Quote

“Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see of the serenity at the center of it all” -Robert M. Pirsig

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Friday, December 10, 2010

December 10, 2010 - Quote

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.” -Unknown

(Just liked the quote :)

My name is Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

December 8, 2010 - Quote

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day 75

I have no idea whats happened to me since last week.

Everything has been going fine in terms of wanting a drink. I've handled a TON of obstacles sober the last 75 days that would have likely made others in early sobriety have to pickup a white chip.

I can't get out of my head! Its driving me INSANE!!

I don't feel right the last few days. I just want my life to be the way it was again.

So many people in my life keep telling me how proud they are of me, and how my sobriety is an inspiration. Yet all I want to do is have a shot of Tequila.

Not saying I plan on drinking and throwing away 75 days. Its just really trying.

My best friend just hit 120 days yesterday. I'm so proud of her I can't even put it into words!! She's come so far, and has changed so much its amazing.

I'm so worried about her though. Her primary addiction is drugs, and she's in AA because of the stronger sobriety. Apparently somewhere along the line a doctor said that her drinking seemed to be situational and not an addiction.

The last few weeks she's started thinking about drinking again. She honestly thinks she can drink safely and not use again.  This scares the shit out of me. She's a very strong, determined person. Let's say she was able to control her drinking. All it takes is for someone to offer her a pill after a few drinks and she's back to square one. We all know the likelihood of her saying NO in that state. Its not her will I question, its the disease. The addict mind alone is dangerous, let alone combined with alcohol.

I also know the chances of me drinking again are exponentially greater if she starts drinking. If she starts drinking again I know I'll likely have to cut ties. My sobriety is too important. Its the last thing I want to do, and I'm deathly afraid of having to make that choice. She's the closest person to me in the entire world.

I've decided to just "Let Go and Let God" handle this one.

This toolbox I've been given, this book. They don't prepare you for situations like this. My higher power is all I have to depend on, and it seems he's kinda been fucking with me as of late.

Nobody said this would be easy... but come on give me a fucking break!

I went to a meeting last night where the topic was dealing with anger... and it actually made me angry. How the hell does that help?!?

I'm so angry, so depressed. I know, I know... this too shall pass, easy does it, one day at a time, meeting makers make it, etc... How about this really fucking sucks sometimes, and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Why isn't that on a wall somewhere?

There's so much to learn. I have sssooo much further to grow as a person in sobriety. This shit is scary!!

Just needed a good vent. I feel a little better now, and realize this blog is an excellent tool for coping with whats on my mind so expect to see me more.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...