Tuesday, December 14, 2010

81 Days...

I will be picking up a white chip tonight or tomorrow after 81 days without a drink.

I had 2 Bud Lights and a shot of tequila last night.

Not leaving the program, not planning on doing it again. Just had to see for myself.

Don't want to go into it, and I'm not sure how I feel about what I've done but shit happens.

I'll post more later.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

32 comments:

  1. I am glad that you will pick up a white chip. Take care.

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  2. Keep coming back, that's what matters. I've always heard people say, "I know I have another relapse, but I'm not sure if I have another recovery."

    Meaning, we all have the potential to slip; and should we slip, it's even harder to come back.

    I always hear people say how hard it is to come back to a meeting and admit the reality of being powerless over alcohol or whatever substance they use. I hope I never see that day, but if I do, I hope to have the courage you've shown today.

    -K

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  3. Welcome back Bruce, the point is that you have returned and that you be ready to admit defeat. Admit and accept that you're powerless over alcohol.
    I look forward to reading how your meeting went. This is your 24 hours.

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  4. "No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows.
    "Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people." (p.28)

    I'm the type, thinking "maybe I'm not an alcoholic," who has to drink to prove it. A non-alcoholic doesn't have to do that, a hard drinker doesn't have to do that, only one who is obsessed, as I am, with the thoughts of maybe... has to test the theory to death or destruction.

    Funny, the first drink is the one that starts it, but it's the thought..."well that one didn't hurt I think I'll have anohter" or the thoughtless having another without even realizing I'm doing it, that's what really gets me, the thinking and the mental black out of all reason. Why the hell can't I control what happens after that first drink? (((sigh))) Glad someone who understood the disease and it's mental and physical characteristics really well took me aside and explained it fully.

    Glad you are still posting Bruce, and I hope you truly do find surrender and acceptance with that chip you committed to picking up today!

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  5. Thanks Bruce. You've probably heard this before, but I thank those who go out, because their tales make it so I don't have to. Thanks for reminding me what it's like out there. Now, chazak ve' ematz and set your shoulder back to the wheel.

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  6. It takes what it takes my friend. Thanks for being honest. I'll keep coming back too.

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  7. I'm proud of you for coming back. It's a new day & a new start

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  8. Alcoholism is NOT a 'drinking' disease, right?

    It IS a 'thinking' disease.

    Hey...why dontcha look me up. We live in the same town for God's sake. I may not remember you, we only met the one time, so say "Hello" the next time we brush shoulders in a hallway, etc.

    Remember First, white chip in mouth. When it melts THEN you have a drink...but not before!

    Good luck.
    Steve E

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  9. I stay mentally sober one day at a time. I don't know how it feels for an alcoholic but I know when i slip, the first step for me is to look it in the face, accept my actions with honesty without self-recrimination and move forward with gratitude that I have the steps in my life. Hope, for me, keeps me coming back to Al-anon.

    ♥namaste♥

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  10. I'll be thinking of you picking up that white chip. Take care Bruce.

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  11. Hope all is well with you and hope to see you blogging again soon. Merry Christmas.

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  12. I'm waiting for an update. In the meantime, Merry Christmas.

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  13. Keep coming...and keep blogging...I love your honesty. I really like your blog. I'm counting days-I'm on 71. Follow me www.countingdays.org

    Elizabeth

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  14. Where ARE you, Bruce? Give us a little sugar, man!
    Lots of Peeps praying for you. Come on in, say "Howdy!"

    PEACE

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  15. Hey Bruce...this is my monthly checkup on your blog. The blog looks OK, but, where are YOU?

    Come by
    Say Hi
    And fly With me
    To sobriety.......

    PEACE!

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  16. You are helping people. Keep posting please!

    ReplyDelete
  17. EAT MY FLESH

    The book of John was written in the Greek Language. And when the author recorded things down - when he said you must eat my flesh - he used the Greek word "trogo."

    Now in the Greek language, many words can be used for "eat". However, the word "trogo" was chosen; it's a very special word because it cannot be taken symbolically. When that word was chosen - when you trogo something, you actually gnaw on it. The definition is to aggressively or loudly munching, gnawing and chewing, as an animal would eat.

    This cannot be taken symbolically, and the author chooses this word so that later on when people read this - it's not a soft word - it's meant to actually gnaw and to eat. It's very important; it cannot to be taken symbolically.

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  18. Do you understand the 4th Cup?

    After the beginning of Jesus' Last Passover Supper (Seder) Judas Iscariot left to do what he had to do. The twelve left in the room were at the point where the second of four traditional cups was about to be drunk.

    (The first is at the beginning of the Seder meal.) Jesus took the cup and gave thanks and gave it to them and said, "Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the Kingdom of God comes."

    More of the lamb meal was consumed. During that He took a loaf of unleavened bread, gave thanks, broke it and gave it to His disciples saying, "This IS my body given for you; do this to recall me."("Recall" is a better translation of the Greek "anamnesis" than "remember".)

    After the supper He took the third cup saying,"Drink from it, all of you. This IS my blood of the NEW and everlasting covenant which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."

    A hymn was sung, which is a combination of several psalms called The Great Hillel, and they went out to the Mount of Olives.

    What happened? The Passover ceremony and ritual was not complete. There was no fourth cup. There was no announcement that it was finished. Could it be that Jesus was so upset with what He knew was about to happen that He forgot? Doubtful!

    Not only Jesus, but also the 11 others had participated in the Passover Seder every year of their lives. No, this was done on purpose. The last supper of Jesus was not over.

    On the Mount of Olives, in the Garden of Gethsemane, the disciples slept while Jesus prayed,"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done."

    He prayed that three times. Then Jesus was arrested, illegally put on trial by the Sanhedrin, then by Pontius Pilate, sentenced and crucified.

    While on the cross He wept. Jesus, who was in excruciating agony, was so merciful that He prayed for the forgiveness of His executioners. He was offered some wine with a pain killer, myrrh, in it. He refused it.

    "Later, knowing that all was now complete, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled and the kingdom established, Jesus said, 'I am thirsty.'" A man dipped a sponge into sour wine; he placed it on a hyssop branch and lifted it up to Jesus lips.

    He drank. (We recall that it was the hyssop branchwhich was used to paint lambs blood around the Hebrew's door for the Passover of the angel of death.)

    It was then that Jesus said, "It is finished." He then bowed His head and gave up the spirit to His Father.

    The fourth cup now represented the lamb’s blood of the first Passover, a saving signal to the angel of death.

    The Lamb of God was now sacrificed. The last Passover supper of Jesus Christ was now complete with the fourth cup. It was finished.

    The tie in with the Passover is unmistakable.

    The Lamb of God was sacrifice and death was about to be passed over

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  19. ......come Easter day.

    The promise of eternal life for many was about to be fulfilled.

    Christ’s Passover was finished, but His mission was not until he rose from the dead.

    ReplyDelete
  20. WHAT YOU MUST DO TO BE SAVED

    To be saved, you must believe in the Lord Jesus Christ (Acts 16:31).

    However, that's not all. Sacred Scripture clearly shows other things you must also do to be saved:

    • You must endure to the end. Matthew 10:22, Matthew 24:13, Mark 13:13.

    • You must accept the Cross (suffering). Matthew 10:38, Matthew 16:24-25, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23, Luke 14:27.

    • You must be baptized with water. Mark 16:16, Titus 3:5, I Peter 3:20-21.

    • You must be a member in God's true church. Acts 2:47.

    • You must confess your sins. James 5:16, I John 1:9.

    • You must keep the Commandments of God. Matthew 5:19-20, Matthew 7:21.

    • You must heed the words of St. Peter, the first Pope. Acts 11:13-14, Acts 15:7.

    • You must eat the flesh and drink the blood of Jesus Christ. John 6:51-58, I Corinthians 10:16, I Corinthians 11:23-29.

    • Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to His call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life. CCC 1996, John 1:12-18, John 17:3, Romans 8:14-17, 2 Peter 1:3-4.

    The only Church that meets all the requirements of Salvation is the Holy Catholic Church.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Do you understand the 4th Cup?

    After the beginning of Jesus' Last Passover Supper (Seder) Judas Iscariot left to do what he had to do. The twelve left in the room were at the point where the second of four traditional cups was about to be drunk.

    (The first is at the beginning of the Seder meal.) Jesus took the cup and gave thanks and gave it to them and said, "Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the Kingdom of God comes."

    More of the lamb meal was consumed. During that He took a loaf of unleavened bread, gave thanks, broke it and gave it to His disciples saying, "This IS my body given for you; do this to recall me."("Recall" is a better translation of the Greek "anamnesis" than "remember".)

    After the supper He took the third cup saying,"Drink from it, all of you. This IS my blood of the NEW and everlasting covenant which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."

    A hymn was sung, which is a combination of several psalms called The Great Hillel, and they went out to the Mount of Olives.

    What happened? The Passover ceremony and ritual was not complete. There was no fourth cup. There was no announcement that it was finished. Could it be that Jesus was so upset with what He knew was about to happen that He forgot? Doubtful!

    Not only Jesus, but also the 11 others had participated in the Passover Seder every year of their lives. No, this was done on purpose. The last supper of Jesus was not over.

    On the Mount of Olives, in the Garden of Gethsemane, the disciples slept while Jesus prayed,"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done."

    He prayed that three times. Then Jesus was arrested, illegally put on trial by the Sanhedrin, then by Pontius Pilate, sentenced and crucified.

    While on the cross He wept. Jesus, who was in excruciating agony, was so merciful that He prayed for the forgiveness of His executioners. He was offered some wine with a pain killer, myrrh, in it. He refused it.

    "Later, knowing that all was now complete, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled and the kingdom established, Jesus said, 'I am thirsty.'" A man dipped a sponge into sour wine; he placed it on a hyssop branch and lifted it up to Jesus lips.

    He drank. (We recall that it was the hyssop branchwhich was used to paint lambs blood around the Hebrew's door for the Passover of the angel of death.)

    It was then that Jesus said, "It is finished." He then bowed His head and gave up the spirit to His Father.

    The fourth cup now represented the lamb’s blood of the first Passover, a saving signal to the angel of death.

    The Lamb of God was now sacrificed. The last Passover supper of Jesus Christ was now complete with the fourth cup. It was finished.

    The tie in with the Passover is unmistakable.

    The Lamb of God was sacrifice and death was about to be passed over come Easter day.

    The promise of eternal life for many was about to be fulfilled.

    Christ’s Passover was finished, but His mission was not until he rose from the dead.

    ReplyDelete
  22. THE ROOM OF CROSSES

    The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said, "My cross is too heavy to bear." The Lord replied, "My son, if you cannot bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then open another door and pick out any cross you wish."

    The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and did as he was told. As he looked around the room he saw many different crosses; some so large the tops were not visible.

    Then he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. And the Lord replied, "My son, that's the cross you came in with."

    ReplyDelete
  23. I relapsed after 99 days and then I came back for good and it's noe 3.5+ years later. You can do this if you want it!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Aldous Huxley said

    "If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. ROLLING IN THE MUCK IS NOT THE BEST WAY OF GETTING CLEAN.”

    Go easy on yourself - you fucked up - but get back up and don't do it again. Simple.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Everyone falls Bruce, as long as you get back up.AA is the way to a better life, it is a private support system. And I'm sorry Im about to go on a rant, but that's why I am still shaken up about the RHONY reunion show. Where does Ramona get off telling the world that Jill Zarin is in AA. Reguardless of the fact that Ramona treated AA like it was a horrible thing, instead of something that should be praised, she has no right to offer up a person choice to be anonymous. I honestly can't believe it was even shown!

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  26. Nice informative blog, thanks for sharing.

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  27. Still sober Bruce?

    sober.com

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  28. Hmmmm waiting for your next post...

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  29. Welcome back, Keep going on. You have really done very good job that you recover fro your alcohol addiction. Please suggest and help those people near you or in touch with you who are in addict and they want to overcome from their addiction.

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  30. Your article is very helpful thank you very much for sharing .

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