Sunday, October 31, 2010

October 31, 2010 - Quote

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” -John Quincy Adams

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Friday, October 29, 2010

October 29, 2010 - Quote

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.” -Unknown

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

October 28, 2010 - Quote

"A day is a span of time no one is wealthy enough to waste." -Unknown

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I've always thought of miracles as having to be something major.

Examples: "That baby was really sick... it's a miracle she lived" or "Those miners were trapped in that mine for months, its a miracle they all survived."

Lately I've started noticing the little miracles in life.

I've been sober for 33 days today. That right there is a miracle in itself.

Everyday when I walk into an AA meeting and see familiar faces, just knowing those people are all still sober.... miracle.

Seeing someone who's gone back out to drink come back to an AA meeting... miracle.

Sobriety has made me notice the little miracles that happen in life everyday.

This week I was lucky enough to witness not only the miracle of my 30th day of sobriety, but also a miracle so big its left a lasting impact on me.

Last week my best friend's insurance company dropped her from her PHP Rehab Program (Partial Hospitalization Program) because she missed a day for being sick. Within 24 hours of that happening her mother accused her of using and brought her to the hospital for a drug test, and shortly thereafter her sponsor 'dropped' her. She had no idea what she was going to do, and to be honest I thought for sure she was going to give up. I don't think I've ever seen her so depressed.

I had no idea what to do, except keep getting her to meetings.

Monday her PHP program called and said she could complete her outpatient rehab program at a facility called Hazelden. She immediately perked right up and we drove over to speak with the admissions woman. Only problem was that PHP neglected to tell her insurance wouldn't cover this program. The cost with a substantial discount? $4500.00 which her mother refused to pay.

My mind went into overdrive. How could I get her into this program?

At one point I had a substantial amount of money, but I haven't worked in months and am in the process of starting a new company. I simply don't have that kind of cash. I began to go though my art collection to see what I could sell to make this happen.

She would have never let me pay, so the plan was to sell whatever I had to (even if it was everything I own) to get the money, then tell her it was paid for by some sort of foundation. I was scrambling and panicking trying to figure out how to make it work. Simply put I love her... not getting her into this program was NOT an option.

Tuesday a miracle happened. We had both briefly spoke with this nice man at AA meetings before, mostly just in passing over a cigarette. At one point she mentioned Hazelden and he told her he was very familiar with the program and if she had any questions,  needed any information, or a contact at the place to just ask.

Monday it just so happened that she sat next to him for a cigarette after a meeting, and she told him about not being able to get into the program. He said he would make some calls and she would get into the program. We both wern't sure what this ment... but the prospect was very exciting.

Yesterday I was at a meeting with him, and we began talking over a cigarette post meeting as usual. He asked me about my friend and I told him how I was scrambling to find the money to make it work.

This is where the miracle comes in. He told me that he wanted to pay for her program. No strings attached. He didn't want anyone to know it was him,  didn't want anything in return. Just wanted to 'Pay it Forward' because someone had done the same for him years ago. All he asked was that she do the same someday when she can. He asked me to relay everything he had said to me, and encourage her to say yes.

I quickly came home and told her. She spoke to him at some length over the phone, and now begins her IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) this coming week.

The first reaction I had was EXTREME guilt that for the first time ever I didn't have the money. I felt horrible for letting this complete stranger pay for her program. Suddenly I lost it in the middle of the day, broke down and cried. How could my life have come to this point? WHAT THE FUCK had I done to my life?

My mother gave me a hug and explained that this truly was a miracle. I had prayed on this for awhile now, but I guess I didn't expect my prayers to be answered in this form.

Without this program there is no doubt in my mind she would have ended up back in an inpatient facility at some point in the future. She needs this outpatient program.

I don't know how or what I would have done to pay for this... as they say desperate people do desperate things, and we were both desperate.

This is a true miracle, and this generous stranger; this generous angel surely gave my friend a gift she'll remember for the rest of her life.

Today I'm still upset I couldn't help, but I'm now looking at this as a miracle. Someday I too will pay this forward. It's changed not only her life, but mine as well.

Thank you kind stranger. You will never truly realize the miracle you've bestowed on us both.

God works in mysterious ways. Thank you lord.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 27, 2010 - Quote

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." -Buddha

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

October 26, 2010 - Quote

"An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men." -Thomas Fuller

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Monday, October 25, 2010

October 25, 2010 - Quote

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” -Mahatma Gandhi

(I'll have a post on my 30th day sober coming later today. Today's day 31)

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

October 24, 2010 - Quote

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Saturday, October 23, 2010

October 23, 2010 - Quote

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do..." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 28

I just hit my knees for the first time in, well, God knows how long.

I prayed for strength. Strength to get me through today, strength for my best friend. I apologized to God for not being around as much as I should have, for not praying for the past few years.

I prayed that he keep my best friend strong, she's having a really tough time with everything.

My pink cloud is officially gone.

The program says I should take care of myself first, which I have been doing. I don't agree with me not caring for her, or worrying about her. Being there when she needs me. That's who I am... that's who I've always been. Someone who deeply cares for others, especially the people I love. I love her.

She's been in a downward spiral the last few days, she's stopped confiding in me. She feels alone. I could never stop caring for her, or not be there. I know I'm never alone as long as I have her in my life. Yes... I know I always have God too, but its nice to have someone speak back.

She's never alone in this world, I'm always here for her. I love her unconditionally. I can't describe the way I love her. Its more than just a friend that I know, but I've never experienced this before. I'm not IN love with her, but I've never cared so much for someone who's not related to me. I can't explain it... but I know if she wasn't in my life I'd feel lost. She makes me feel better, knowing she's there just makes me feel safe I guess. We can talk about anything, everything. If there was a word beyond comfortable thats what I'd use to describe how I feel with her. No matter how fucked up everything gets, or how bad a day we both may have, I just feel better knowing I have her in my life.

I'm at a loss right now as to what to do. Instead of being there for her, reassuring her, my friends mother brought her to the hospital for a drug test this morning. She refuses to believe that this is what we go through to get better. The lady went to one al-anon meeting and thinks she's got it all figured out.

The reality of the fact is that every time my friend turns to her mother for, well, a mother she ends up worse off than where she started. Somedays I wish I could just 'kidnap' her from that situation. She loves her family so much, and I know they love her... they just don't understand. They think they do, but they have NO IDEA what this is like.

This program, this process... its not easy. It takes everything I have every day to stay strong enough to not drink or not go back to pills. When I felt anxiety over this a few minutes ago my first thought was to find my father's Xanex which I quickly talked myself out of. I know how fucked up my mind is, and I can't begin to imagine whats going on inside hers.

The fact that she's gotten so depressed, so hopeless scares the shit out of me. It's in God's hands now... all I can do is pray. The progress she's made the last few weeks. I can't even begin to explain the changes I've seen for the positive.

It's ironic... she's been telling me to hit my knees on some of my worst days and I've refused to do it until now. She's a great friend, a great companion. I can't imagine my life without her.

Today I called out of work,  I'm planning on hitting meetings ALL day. I need AA in my life today, I need as many meetings as I can get. Its gonna be one of those one minute at a time days.

Please keep me and my best friend in your prayers today. We BOTH need it.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic.

October 22, 2010 - Quote

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” -Unknown

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

October 21, 2010 - Quote

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

26 Days?!?

Quick note... I didn't realize today was 26 days until I looked at the sobriety counter on my blog.

Since waking up this morning I've thought it was day 25.

Strange... I've been so focused on that number for the last 26 days. How could I not know its day 26?

Time flys when you're having fun I guess? ::sarcastic tone::

In all honesty it's just been a rough few weeks. As a fellow blogger in recovery commented yesterday I'm still on the 'big rollercoaster'. I had a GREAT day yesterday for a change, and so far despite some early morning nonsense (my fault... I overslept) I'm still feeling really good!!

Meeting with my sponsor at 4:30 to begin step work. I'll update tonight with more on that I'm sure.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

October 20, 2010 - Quote

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar." -Raymond Linquist

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

October 19, 2010 - Quote

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." -Helen Keller

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 24 - F Bombs Galore

Its one giant fucking roller-coaster. I'm up one minute, and down the next.

Ignorant people piss me the fuck off.

I hate myself, I hate stupid people, I hate my family for not understanding anything I'm going through.

If I tell someone I need a few minutes alone to calm down and blog, why the fuck can they not leave me alone without making some stupid fucking snide remark?

For some reason I feel threatened by this kid who my best friend met at a meeting. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. It has nothing to do with my next statement, but I'm generally good at reading people and I don't trust him. I'm also pissed off because he's better looking than me, and he's way to fucking smooth to be a good person... nobody that smooth is ever a good person.

When I was drinking I never really cared what everyone else looked like. Now I can't stop focusing on the fact that I don't like my appearance. I don't feel attractive in the slightest bit (I know I sound like a woman... but I guarantee I'm not the only guy to ever feel this way). I feel like every woman I've liked or tried to date over the last few years has put me in the friend zone because I have "an awesome personality, we get along great" but I'm not attractive enough or not a giant douche bag so I'm not dateable.

I hate rude, uneducated people who don't think before they speak. I'm trying to practice acceptance, but I just can't help but want to tell some people to fuck off. Practice what you preach (i know i know... I'm working on acceptance just go with it). When I say uneducated I don't mean they don't have a degree. I'm talking about people who claim to know this program so well and live by it, but the second they walk out of the door its like they flipped off the 'AA switch'.

I'm sick of people who think because they have a few years in the program that they have all the answers. I mean shit I may only be on day 24, but maybe... just maybe I have something I can add that SOMEONE ELSE might benefit from.

Also where does it say I can't be there to help a woman in the program? I don't mean 13th stepping someone. I find that INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL and COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. What I mean is if there's someone of the opposite sex outside smoking a cigarette crying where does it say that I can't be there to talk to - for support?  NOWHERE!!!!!

"Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism."

"Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."

Did I miss something?

I'm sick of always being there for people, and when I need someone I feel alone.

Why does everyone in my life, outside of the program think they know whats wrong or whats best for me? I don't want your advice and I don't want to hear your thoughts if you don't know what its like to be where I am. If you're in the program its one thing, but if you don't have any fucking clue what your talking about then don't get upset when I politely tell you that you don't understand, or if I politely listen but choose not to follow the advice.

Yes, I'm aware the bulk of this makes no sense... I just need a good vent.

Everything is confusing, life makes no sense. I hate that I'm short tempered with everyone, I don't know how to live sober. I know drinking won't solve it... or else I'd be at a bar instead of blogging right now. Knowing is half the battle I guess.

On a brighter note my sponsor is great, he heard me share today in a meeting and decided we should start working the steps after seeing my willingness and devotion to be in this program just from hearing me speak. I could tell he was apprehensive the first few days... he wasn't sure what to make of me or if he should even think about step work or busy work. I've had an open mind since my first week in the program, and the amount I've learned in just 24 days is absolutely amazing.

Its just a matter of learning how to use it now... and that my friends is an entirely different adventure.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15, 2010 - Quote

"No man is an island entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." -John Donne

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

October 14, 2010 - Quote

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.”  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

October 13, 2010 - Quote

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there." -Bo Jackson

I have A LOT I need to get down in a blog... so expect something later today. I've been hitting a lot of meetings and am exhausted by the end of the day, so its hard to keep up... but this blog is an important part of my recovery so I'm finding time today at some point to 'spill my guts.'

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

October 12, 2010 - Quote

"Life is simple, it's just not easy" -Unknown

I'll be back to my regular updates hopefully tonight or tomorrow :)

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Monday, October 11, 2010

October 11, 2010 - Quote

“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future” -Unknown

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

October 10, 2010 - Quote

"Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy." - Bill Blackman

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

My Tattoo...

Got my first Tattoo this week. I've wanted to get one for a LONG time, but never had any idea what I wanted to get, so it never happened.

I'm happy I waited. This is my permanent chip to carry with me, something to never let me forget about my sobriety.

It's an ambigram (a tattooed work of art that can be read both forward and upside-down) on my right upper arm - the word Strength. I plan on getting the word serenity below it next week to form a semi-circle.

Even better is the fact I got it with my best friend. She got one on her left side that reads Hope one way and Faith the other. We both got into the final stages of this mess together, so it's only appropriate that we have a way to remember getting out of it together.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

UPDATE: This wasn't something I did to stop drinking... its something I've wanted for a long time. It was just nice to get something to symbolize my sobriety.

Day 15

15 Days!  It's hard to believe I've been sober for 15 days.

I don't feel as angry anymore (but I'm still insanely cranky ha-ha). FINALLY got a good nights sleep last night.

My body's starting to like this sober thing. The sober 'mush mind' isn't as mushy anymore.

Still get the shakes... A LOT but its not as bad as the first few days.

Full meals... yummmm. Hadn't had much of an appetite until the last few days... now give me something to eat and I'll destroy it!

I'm really starting to like sobriety. It feels good!!

The temporary 'Pink Clouds' are still amazing, but I don't depend on them as much right now. Not every day is going to be perfect. Sure they seemed perfect while drinking, but that's because I really didn't give a shit anymore. As strange as it sounds its nice to feel the effects of a bad day.

Today is also my best friends 60th day of sobriety. I'm overwhelmed with a sense of pride. 60 days is HUGE! Her 60 days has given me so much hope, so much inspiration. Hell I'm excited for 15!!

Never did I think I'd see the day when I'd be excited to bring my best friend to get a 60 day chip. If you told me a few months ago I'd be as proud as I am to see this day, or be as excited as I am looking forward to my 30 day chip... I would have thought you were insane.

I'm in complete awe! The second family I've began to make at meetings has quickly expanded to the net... who would have ever thought I'd find so many folks in recovery with a blog started to vent. Even more amazing is the strength you all give me daily.

It's a HUGE day for my best friend at 60 days, its a HUGE day for me at 15 days. This sobriety thing is nice. Who knows how I'll feel about it tomorrow, but that's not an issue. I'm taking this 'One day at a time.'

“Great effort from great motives is the best definition of a happy life.” –William Ellery

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Pay it forward...

GREAT MOVIE! If you haven't seen it here's IMDB's synopsis...

"Young Trevor McKinney, troubled by his mother's alcoholism and fears of his abusive but absent father, is caught up by an intriguing assignment from his new social studies teacher, Mr. Simonet. The assignment: think of something to change the world and put it into action. Trevor conjures the notion of paying a favor not back, but forward--repaying good deeds not with payback, but with new good deeds done to three new people. Trevor's efforts to make good on his idea bring a revolution not only in the lives of himself, his mother and his physically and emotionally scarred teacher, but in those of an ever-widening circle of people completely unknown to him"

I know its a little astray from my usual type of blog post... but there's a reason I'm sharing this.

When we give someone a ride, pickup that phone call, make that phone call, share at a meeting...

Essentially we're all just paying it forward.

My name's Bruce and I'm an alcoholic...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Courage and Fear

Today's day 12. I've made up my mind to never drink again. I can't... nothing good could possibly come from it. I've lost to much already. Now I'm deathly afraid of losing something else.

I'm worried about my best friend. She starts everyday so excited and ready to go, but inevitably something happens during the day to knock her off that early morning pink cloud. She seems so down, like she's lost her focus on recovery. It's impossible to get her to go to meetings the last few days, unless I have to force her. To be honest that scares the shit out of me!!

We both always have such a renewed spirit, renewed strength and courage when we leave a meeting - I'm worried she's going to lose that.

Another concern are the people she met in Rehab. My best friend is so trusting, and has such a kind heart. She keeps getting screwed by people she met in rehab. She thinks because she spent 28 days with them that they have some sort of bond, she often refers to rehab as camp.

Now I know a lot of these people are just normal people with addiction issues, but I'm afraid she's going to start hanging out with these people during or after recovery and take a dive off the wagon. She thinks that because her and I can be strong for each other and not drink or use together - not let one another fall back into old habits, that every person she met in rehab is like that. I know this isn't true, and I'm deathly afraid.

I hear so many stories about people coming out of rehab, hanging out with or dating someone they met there, and quickly ending up back in rehab once again.

I'm deathly afraid, I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost her. We've been through so much together, I couldn't lose her again. At the same time I love being there for each other through this recovery process, it keeps me strong. We're opening up to one another again, we've both realized we don't need to be on something to still have an amazing time together. My fear is no longer will she still love me sober... it's will she stay sober with me?

God please keep us both strong, and grant us the courage and strength to stay sober - one day at a time.

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." - Dan Rather

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Power of a Good Meeting

In my few short days of sobriety I've quickly learned one VERY IMPORTANT thing... the power of a good meeting is like nothing I've ever experienced!!

Today started off great and quickly became a horrible, stressful, crap shoot!

I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything, just wanted to turn on my TV and get some sleep.

Went to have a quick smoke before sinking into a TV coma, and CRAP I was out of cigarettes!
Soooo...I got in the car and went to the corner store. On the way back I found myself sitting at a traffic light and out of nowhere I just started crying (for the record I'm not yet a big fan of the plethora of emotions that come with sobriety).

The light turned green, and next thing I knew my car had steered its way on over to a meeting. Now I thought the meeting had started at 8:00, I would have been late so decided not to go earlier. Turns out when I pulled in at 8:29 and looked at a schedule it started at 8:30.

DAMN YOU HIGHER POWER and your sneakiness! ha-ha

It was a GREAT meeting... one that I was clearly put at for a reason. The meeting ended at 9:30, and just got home now at 11:45. I sat outside and talked to people for 2 hours after the meeting!!

Crazy part is I feel like a new person. It boggles my mind!

Not sure how, or why it works... but I keep coming back. Apparently it works if you work it.

I'm an alcoholic...

Higher Power In Action...

Not sure who my higher is yet, but whomever he/she is they've been busy workin the last few days.

Higher Power In Action? - 1
Friday after flipping a shit on my best friend I got a phone call. It was from a good friend who had seen a new quote I put on Facebook (One day at a time... easy does it), noticed I had a random number in my status daily that was counting up (apparently other people do a countdown? ha-ha), and decided to ask me if I was 'a friend of Bill.' He then told me he's in AA and had been sober for almost 8 months now. So random!!  He was always one of those 2 drinks then home kinda people, but apparently unlike me he would go home to drink, and drank until he passed out. I hadn't heard from him in about 8 months, he kinda dropped off the face of the Earth and now I know why.  It was GREAT to hear from him!

Higher Power In Action? - 2
A day later I got a phone call from a friend who I had informed just days earlier that I had started going to AA.

She called me to tell me that she had a problem with pills, and wanted to get help. Watching what my best friend and I had been through, and knowing we both had the courage to get help, had given her the strength to admit she had a problem and get help. It was a very powerful feeling!!

Higher Power In Action? - 3
The other night before a meeting I was sitting outside having a smoke, just making conversation and bullshitting as usual. I was talking to some people about what they do to keep their minds occupied during the times when they'd been at a bar 'in a previous life.'

One gentlemen said he blogs, and ask me if I had ever done any blogging. I told him I had actually started an anonymous blog on day 2 of recovery. I then mentioned that the first comment on my blog had come from someone I had never met, whom I had started following the day before. It was strange because she was the person who had inspired me to begin a blog - I had stumbled upon her blog during a google search and decided I should start my own. From what I could tell she had quite a popular recovery blog and I was amazed that she had even read mine, let alone commented.

He asked me if the blog was titled "Being Sober" and if her name was Mary Christine by any chance. It turns out he had a blog I had run across on here as well "Steveroni's Blog", and knew her as well.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS of running into someone at a meeting, mentioning blogging, and discovering we had 'friends' in common?!?

(Side-note: Mary Christine - I was absolutely amazed when you commented on my blog. It gave me an overwhelming sense of hope to know that the unity and fellowship I had seen at AA meetings extended to the web as well. Thank you for that!)

I'm starting to like this higher power person.

I'm an alcoholic...

Day 11

It's Day 11... WOO HOO!!

I had a HORRIBLE day yesterday, and it was the first time I haven't been able to make a meeting.

I've been the 'adult' in my family for YEARS. I started the company my whole family works for, have handled all the finances, etc... since I was 17 years old. Unfortunately over the last year my drinking progressed to the point where we had to close the company.

We are in the process of getting it back up and running, and my family had promised to help me. "All you have to do is get it ready at night after your meetings, and we'll handle the rest."

I turned my finances over to my mom for a couple months last month so I don't make a stupid mistake. Now my cell phone's off because someone neglected to pay the bill.

How the fuck did I fall for that one? I've been taking care of this family for years... now that I need to focus on me and my recovery they can't wrap their heads around it. I asked my father to do two things yesterday... make a phone call, and go have my new tire put on the car. How many of those do you think got done?

I could understand if he was doing something, but instead I came home to him sleeping on the couch at 2:00 in the afternoon! And how hard is it to give me a check to sign to pay my cell phone bill?

My family just can't wrap their heads around the fact that I need a few weeks to take it easy. I have no doubt in my mind that had my stress level been less the last few years I without question wouldn't have drank so much. Correction I wouldn't have drank so often - the quantity is all me. I started as a problem drinker, and progressed to hardcore drunk. I don't think its too much to ask after all the time I've put in over the years taking care of everyone.

Yesterday all I wanted was to pull into a bar and get SHIT FACE DRUNK! That's how I've handled stress for the last 5 years. Instead I just started yelling. Maybe not the best response, but certainly better than drinking.

Thats another thing, I've never been this cranky in my life!! I have zero tollerance for stupid people, bad drivers, even people who talk to much. Never gave a shit when I was drunk.... but now that I'm sober LOOK OUT. God I hope this is just a part of the process!!!!

My best friend pointed something out yesterday that really hit home... if I relapse/fall off the wagon she likely will too. What we're doing is very dangerous. Then it occured to me... I don't want a drink. I won't drink!!!

I'm still trying to figure out this higher power thing (Grew up Catholic... enough said? ha-ha). Everytime I want a drink I just think about all the people in my life who are supporting me, all the people who I'd let down. My family, my friends, all the great people I'm meeting at AA, and perhaps most importantly my best friend. I wouldn't be in AA without her. I have to stay strong and sober, not only for myself, but all the great people who are staying strong for me.

Closing today's blog is a quote I found on an AA recovery site that made me laugh, but it's so true.

"I need to stick with the winners, not the people who co-sign my bullshit."

Essentially a 'keep coming back' slogan for people like myself who like their advice straight to the point sometimes.

I'm an alcoholic...

Monday, October 4, 2010


Haven't had much time to update... Been going to lots of meetings. Its day 10... Still with it. Update coming later today/tonight :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

My Sober Mind

I had a rough day today... my sober mind is hard to deal with.

How the fuck did I get to the point that my mind and body function better with alcohol than they do stone sober?

I yelled at my best friend for no reason today. I flipped out, and I feel like an asshole. My emotions are so hard to control right now.

I'm afraid. What if my best friend discovers she doesn't like me sober? What if people don't like sober me?

A few minutes ago I got back from a car ride... I like to do that when I wanna think or clear my mind.

The clear my mind thing didn't work, but I thought wayyy too much.

Somewhere in my fucked up mind I was angry with my best friend the last few weeks, but not for the reasons that I should be. I'm over all that, she's my best friend and I love her unconditionally. I think I was angry that she found the escape from life I had been searching for all these years when I drank. She went to a different world with pills and left me here. The first adventure we didn't take together. How fucked up is that?!? I see what she's gone through the last few months, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

It's not so much the world she escaped to that I think angered me... its the fact that it was her that hit rock bottom and not me. I feel so responsible for her pain... I know its not my fault. I know she doesn't blame me either. Nonetheless I feel responsible.

Whats fucked up most is that it's not, nor will it hinder my recovery. The fight today, my anger its all just part of the process. I'm not going to go drink because of this, nor am I going to take it out on her. I need to learn how to cope with all these feelings in my sober mind.

This world feels fake as I begin my long journey into sobriety. How can it be possible that being sober for me is like being drunk is for others. Drunk I feel in control, being sober seems unreal. How out of touch was I with the sober world that I can't even function in it?

Couldn't even walk more than 2 feet all day without feeling like my body didn't belong to me.

I know its going to take time to be able to understand my sober mind and body, just as it took time for me to prefer being drunk.

One day at a time... I keep thinking it over and over. Easy does it, one day at a time.

I need to go to bed, wake up, go to a meeting, and get an extra boost first thing tomorrow.

Hopefully my best friend will join me. Its much easier to deal with my mind like this when the person I trust most can relate.

I'm an alcoholic...

Friday, October 1, 2010

7 Days

If someone had told me 8 days ago that I'd be sober the next 7 I would have laughed and called them an asshole.

I've been sober for 1 week!

To some it sounds like an insignificant amount of time, but to me it means the world.

I'm an alcoholic...