My entire life I've been an extremely caring, compassionate, generous person. I may be one of the most easygoing people you've ever meant.
Even on my worst day drunk I would still go out of my way to be nice.
It's who I am and how I was raised, and is ingrained in the very fiber of my being.
The only problem is that I end up getting taken advantage of A LOT because of it. People all to often mistake kindness for weakness. I vowed a longgggg time ago never to change who I am because, well... most people suck. That won't make me stop being a nice person.
Sometimes I feel like when someone I care about is having a bad day it's me who they take it out on. Not because I deserve it, but because they know I'll forgive them. I'm an easy mark in that respect.
I've also been made aware of a horrible coping mechanism I've developed over the years. Something I watched my father do for most of childhood, something he watched his parents do to each other his entire life. When someone I care about hurts me, I tend to use it against them. To somehow use my kind words and turn them into awful, hurtful things. I don't do it often, but when I do it's not pretty. I've also come to the realization that I'm very passive aggressive when angry, or hurt.
Its something I worked on for a long time in my youth, that came back somehow during my drinking. I'm much better with it now, and working daily to break the habit.
OK so now after reading what I've written I likely sound like a skitzo... but its true. I have no idea where I'm going with his, except for the fact that I'm fairly certain its all a result of me being 'Mr. Nice Guy' for most of my life.
My best friend has been sick this entire week. Her sister graduates college tomorrow so her entire family came into town. She hasn't been to a meeting in 5 days, so after I asked how she was I simply reminded her she should try to hit a meeting. We both remind one another of simple things like that all the time. She snapped at me, and told me not to lecture her. She's been doing this more and more.
I'm not saying I'm not guilty of snapping at her, but I'm working on it.
The same goes for my father. He was able to, for the most part, stop saying the hurtful things he used to say all the time. However on occasion the asshole creeps back out. Yesterday he tried to blame me for everything thats gone wrong with my family for the last 8 years. Did I play a role in some of it? Yes, maybe 30% of the problems. I'm certainly not responsible for it all. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
People in my life, people I'm close to do shit like this all the time. Then 10 minutes, a few hours, or a day later I end up apologizing for doing NOTHING wrong. Either that or I forgive them on the spot.
I will never change my forgiving nature... I just wish people would stop taking advantage of 'Mr. Nice Guy.'
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
(P.S. I know I'm all over the place with this, and not sure if I even make sense. Just, as always, needed to vent)