Saturday, December 11, 2010

Mr Nice Guy

My entire life I've been an extremely caring, compassionate, generous person. I may be one of the most easygoing people you've ever meant.

Even on my worst day drunk I would still go out of my way to be nice.

It's who I am and how I was raised, and is ingrained in the very fiber of my being.

The only problem is that I end up getting taken advantage of A LOT because of it. People all to often mistake kindness for weakness. I vowed a longgggg time ago never to change who I am because, well... most people suck. That won't make me stop being a nice person.

Sometimes I feel like when someone I care about is having a bad day it's me who they take it out on. Not because I deserve it, but because they know I'll forgive them. I'm an easy mark in that respect.

I've also been made aware of a horrible coping mechanism I've developed over the years. Something I watched my father do for most of childhood, something he watched his parents do to each other his entire life. When someone I care about hurts me, I tend to use it against them. To somehow use my kind words and turn them into awful, hurtful things. I don't do it often, but when I do it's not pretty. I've also come to the realization that I'm very passive aggressive when angry, or hurt.

Its something I worked on for a long time in my youth, that came back somehow during my drinking. I'm much better with it now, and working daily to break the habit.

OK so now after reading what I've written I likely sound like a skitzo... but its true. I have no idea where I'm going with his, except for the fact that I'm fairly certain its all a result of me being 'Mr. Nice Guy' for most of my life.

My best friend has been sick this entire week. Her sister graduates college tomorrow so her entire family came into town. She hasn't been to a meeting in 5 days, so after I asked how she was I simply reminded her she should try to hit a meeting. We both remind one another of simple things like that all the time. She snapped at me, and told me not to lecture her. She's been doing this more and more.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of snapping at her, but I'm working on it.

The same goes for my father. He was able to, for the most part, stop saying the hurtful things he used to say all the time. However on occasion the asshole creeps back out. Yesterday he tried to blame me for everything thats gone wrong with my family for the last 8 years. Did I play a role in some of it? Yes, maybe 30% of the problems. I'm certainly not responsible for it all. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

People in my life, people I'm close to do shit like this all the time. Then 10 minutes, a few hours, or a day later I end up apologizing for doing NOTHING wrong. Either that or I forgive them on the spot.


I will never change my forgiving nature... I just wish people would stop taking advantage of 'Mr. Nice Guy.'

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...

(P.S. I know I'm all over the place with this, and not sure if I even make sense. Just, as always, needed to vent)


  1. I know exactly what you mean. I am the same way...being nice at all costs, not knowing until i got into the program that I let people take advantage of me for fear of them not liking me...not knowing that this fear stemmed from a bigger fear of abandonment, which for me stems from low self worth...

    not knowing that I was a doing and saying things I really didn't mean just so others would think I was nice, thereby, setting myself up for future resentments... (It is amazing what a searching and fearless step 4 (and 5) will reveal.)

    What you described is the insanity of alcoholism, whether one is still drinking or not.

    For me, working the 12 steps on a daily basis and staying close to others who do the same is the only thing that pulls me out of the insanity and into the light.

  2. I always believed I was taken advantage of until I realized I had a perception of how people should act when I was Ms. Nice guy (still do to tell the truth) I never just give without some strings attached. Selfish and self-centered to the fault. Because like Marie, I was scared, or believed somehow if I did those things I would be either considered more, or cared for more, or not be abandoned. And when people don't respond as my head says they should.... well look out. I can be as vicious as I am kind, as condeming as I am graceful and forgiving...

    I'm learning balance, but I still teeter and tumble off the deep end from time to time.

    Glad you're still here, sharing your experiences, believing that meetings are a good place to start and working with others. Your sponsor must be grateful to see the willingness in you!

  3. I have learned to not believe all the things that may get put on me as being my fault. I take my own inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it. I no longer feel the need to apologize for those things that I did not do.

  4. Ahhh, the thin line between doing good and becoming a doormat. What really is the happy medium?? I have tendencies toward "people pleasing" myself. I've never been one to want to make people like me, per se, but I do like to make them happy. It makes ME feel good, which is where the fault lies for me.

    When my motivations become off center and I begin doing for others much more than I'd do for myself, I know that my ego has taken control. I can get all sucked up into taking credit for helping someone and standing there with a ridiculously huge smile on my face, waiting like a dog for a pat on the head. Good Job Katie! Ugh...

    I really try to check what my motivations are when I help others. And I really try to stay out of the spotlight. Doing something like giving a newcomer a ride to a meeting can get me a huge pat on the back, but triumph lies in the newcomer - they became humble enough to ask. That's what I need to remember at the end of the day.

    Anyway, now I'M way off track! Just remember: you don't have to forget in order to forgive, the lesson would be gone...

    Hope you have a better few days!


  5. I like your post very much i had nice time while reading your post


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