Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day 75

I have no idea whats happened to me since last week.

Everything has been going fine in terms of wanting a drink. I've handled a TON of obstacles sober the last 75 days that would have likely made others in early sobriety have to pickup a white chip.

I can't get out of my head! Its driving me INSANE!!

I don't feel right the last few days. I just want my life to be the way it was again.

So many people in my life keep telling me how proud they are of me, and how my sobriety is an inspiration. Yet all I want to do is have a shot of Tequila.

Not saying I plan on drinking and throwing away 75 days. Its just really trying.

My best friend just hit 120 days yesterday. I'm so proud of her I can't even put it into words!! She's come so far, and has changed so much its amazing.

I'm so worried about her though. Her primary addiction is drugs, and she's in AA because of the stronger sobriety. Apparently somewhere along the line a doctor said that her drinking seemed to be situational and not an addiction.

The last few weeks she's started thinking about drinking again. She honestly thinks she can drink safely and not use again.  This scares the shit out of me. She's a very strong, determined person. Let's say she was able to control her drinking. All it takes is for someone to offer her a pill after a few drinks and she's back to square one. We all know the likelihood of her saying NO in that state. Its not her will I question, its the disease. The addict mind alone is dangerous, let alone combined with alcohol.

I also know the chances of me drinking again are exponentially greater if she starts drinking. If she starts drinking again I know I'll likely have to cut ties. My sobriety is too important. Its the last thing I want to do, and I'm deathly afraid of having to make that choice. She's the closest person to me in the entire world.

I've decided to just "Let Go and Let God" handle this one.

This toolbox I've been given, this book. They don't prepare you for situations like this. My higher power is all I have to depend on, and it seems he's kinda been fucking with me as of late.

Nobody said this would be easy... but come on give me a fucking break!

I went to a meeting last night where the topic was dealing with anger... and it actually made me angry. How the hell does that help?!?

I'm so angry, so depressed. I know, I know... this too shall pass, easy does it, one day at a time, meeting makers make it, etc... How about this really fucking sucks sometimes, and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Why isn't that on a wall somewhere?

There's so much to learn. I have sssooo much further to grow as a person in sobriety. This shit is scary!!

Just needed a good vent. I feel a little better now, and realize this blog is an excellent tool for coping with whats on my mind so expect to see me more.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...


  1. i've been sober since march this year and i have found that its been harder lately. when i've spoken to people in the fellowship they say it is very common to get depression or anger at about 6 months or so. i'm glad i knew this because otherwise i would have felt it was all going wrong. hope it gets better for you - keep strong.

  2. Wishing you the best Bruce. I somehow think that being sober is better than being drunk.

  3. Bruce, I'm proud of you for venting like this. My inner desire to meddle and sponsor is pinging like crazy, but I know you didn't ask me for advice.

    I'll just say that I'm proud of you. 75 days is a hell of a lot. And for fuck sake call someone before you pick up that tequila shot.

  4. Hey Bruce- Congrats on 75 days! I can really relate to your post. I think I post one day about how great I feel and how I haven't wanted a drink- then whammo- the next damn day it was all I could think about. I definitely don't miss starting sobriety over and over again. I still maintain that staying sober is way easier than making the decision to get sober.
    It sounds like you have provided a lot of support to your friend- maybe she'd be willing to stay a non-drinker to support you. Have you told her how much that would help you?
    Hang in there- I have been in a dark place myself lately. Something about all this fucking Christmas cheer really pisses me off!! LOL! (and I really love Christmas time!!)

  5. I've been sober over four years and recently thought it might be nice, while shopping in the grocery store, to go over to the liquor section and look at the Baileys. Just visit, I thought. What the hell? I didn't go there. These thoughts pass through me, sometimes stronger than others, yet because of the grace of God (and not my crazy thinking) I'm still sober. Hang in there my friend. Congrats on 75 days. Congrats on today...especially.

  6. It sometimes sucks that it takes a testing of every form of self-deception to accept that we are indeed alcoholic (even if we use other things to treat the disease). I know so many who came in with the understanding that they were primarily drug addicts but found over time that the drugs were used to prove they weren't alcoholic just like the rest of us. :) I used drugs to do that. It didn't work. I'm jessie, and I am an alcoholic :) No matter what else I used, the book describes me to a T

    Keep the faith and prayers Bruce! They work, so does workign with other alcoholics as you continue to do! :)

  7. Hi Bruce, my name is suzie and i am an addict. i know the feeling your talking about. i wsa lucky, my drug of choice was shooting up ice and my saving grace wsa that i could not hit my own viens. i remember thinking, yeah i would like a beer today, but f$%k the dumb if i am going to get high i am going to do it right.
    i remember the pain and how i would writhe in anguish for hours in the bathroom. i would pound my fists againts the walls so hard my knuckles bled. i wanted to die. i just didn't want to feel. feeling all this was so foreign to me. feeling anything at all because i had spent the better part of my life numbed up. when you numb out all the feelings in your life and decide not to numb anymore, the bad feelings come out first. that is what i have found. i don't know how long it will last for you. but this is normal, these feelings are very normal. and they suck. but i know if i got through the worst days of my life, you can too. and trust me the good stuff IS coming, you just have to work for it. for me it started with step one. and when i got to step three, i felt better. really when i was writing, the more i wrote the better i felt so, i kept writing. i think it would work for you too because you say in your post that you feel better after writing. if you don't have a sponsor, get one, someone who has worked the steps, and then start your journey.

  8. Hi, Bruce. I remember feeling this way during my first year of sobriety, especially during the first time through those holidays without drinking. I also remember how painful it was to have to cut ties with my own sibling, who was my best drinking buddy.

    I try to stay in today. My thinking gets Crazy (yes, with a capital C) if I don't.

    And, unfortunately, for me, life "really fucking sucks sometimes, and it usually gets worse before it gets better" just like you said. And then it gets worse again and then better again and then worse and then better and...you probably get the idea. We all know what you mean and we all go through it, too, just so you know.

    BTW, what Step are you on? Hope your week gets a bit easier soon.

    Many blessings,

  9. Hey Bruce

    Congrats on 75 days! That is truly amazing and a gift.

    Thank you for your honesty!


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