I have no idea whats happened to me since last week.
Everything has been going fine in terms of wanting a drink. I've handled a TON of obstacles sober the last 75 days that would have likely made others in early sobriety have to pickup a white chip.
I can't get out of my head! Its driving me INSANE!!
I don't feel right the last few days. I just want my life to be the way it was again.
So many people in my life keep telling me how proud they are of me, and how my sobriety is an inspiration. Yet all I want to do is have a shot of Tequila.
Not saying I plan on drinking and throwing away 75 days. Its just really trying.
My best friend just hit 120 days yesterday. I'm so proud of her I can't even put it into words!! She's come so far, and has changed so much its amazing.
I'm so worried about her though. Her primary addiction is drugs, and she's in AA because of the stronger sobriety. Apparently somewhere along the line a doctor said that her drinking seemed to be situational and not an addiction.
The last few weeks she's started thinking about drinking again. She honestly thinks she can drink safely and not use again. This scares the shit out of me. She's a very strong, determined person. Let's say she was able to control her drinking. All it takes is for someone to offer her a pill after a few drinks and she's back to square one. We all know the likelihood of her saying NO in that state. Its not her will I question, its the disease. The addict mind alone is dangerous, let alone combined with alcohol.
I also know the chances of me drinking again are exponentially greater if she starts drinking. If she starts drinking again I know I'll likely have to cut ties. My sobriety is too important. Its the last thing I want to do, and I'm deathly afraid of having to make that choice. She's the closest person to me in the entire world.
I've decided to just "Let Go and Let God" handle this one.
This toolbox I've been given, this book. They don't prepare you for situations like this. My higher power is all I have to depend on, and it seems he's kinda been fucking with me as of late.
Nobody said this would be easy... but come on give me a fucking break!
I went to a meeting last night where the topic was dealing with anger... and it actually made me angry. How the hell does that help?!?
I'm so angry, so depressed. I know, I know... this too shall pass, easy does it, one day at a time, meeting makers make it, etc... How about this really fucking sucks sometimes, and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Why isn't that on a wall somewhere?
There's so much to learn. I have sssooo much further to grow as a person in sobriety. This shit is scary!!
Just needed a good vent. I feel a little better now, and realize this blog is an excellent tool for coping with whats on my mind so expect to see me more.
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...