Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Sweet Sweet Liquor

I missed writing yesterday... it was a LONG EXHAUSTIVE day that truly put me to the test. A LOT happened...

Driving to my first meeting of the day yesterday (meeting 5) I had my tire blow out on I-75 at 90 MPH. Car went sideways down the highway, the whole deal. When I pulled off the road and called AAA my membership had expired September 1st. After being a member since 2003 they pretty told me to go fuck myself. Called the road rangers... 2 hour wait. Called the police to see if I could get a car to sit behind mine while I changed the tire myself... it'll be an hour sir.

FUCKKKK!!!! I ended up calling AAA back and paying $75 to get my tire changed. It was that or risk getting clipped by some retard at 90MPH.

What did I want most as soon as that tire was changed? ANYTHING ALCOHOLIC... Wine, Beer, Shot, ANYTHING!!!!!!! Thank god my father showed up just as I was ready to pull away.

I'm a strong person, or at least I'd like to consider myself as such (with most things anyway), but the problem in my head is not just the desire to drink right now. Its not the wanting, the feel of need for an ice cold Bud Light. Its that combined with the fact that I "CAN'T"have a drink when I want one. I feel like a fucking two year old when his mother says "no snacks before dinner." I WANT A GOD DAMN SNACK!!

Needless to say I missed my first meeting yesterday. Instead I drove to my favorite bar after getting my new tire ordered, and pulled the manager aside who is also my friend.

I told him I'm an alcoholic, I've been sober for 3 days, and this is the longest I've been sober in 3-5 years, and I'm in AA.  His reaction was not what I expected. Shit I expected him to talk me out of it, that bar's going to lose A LOT of money without me 'paying the rent' every night. I think that may have even been what I was subconsciously looking for - Talk me out of this... give me an out.

He gave me a hug, and told me he was proud of me. That he knew I had a problem, but never realized how bad it was until I fessed up, and that he had wanted to say something but knew if he had I would have likely never talk to him again. He knew that I needed to discover it on my own. Then he said that he's my friend first, not my bartender, and that I can call him anytime to go do something 'sober' or just to talk.

HOLY SHIT! The person who had been feeding my addiction for the last 3 years was proud of me for getting help. What a wake up call!!!! The rest of my day was like that, fessing up to close friends who I had lied to for years, all of their reactions being the same. It really through me for a loop - at the same time it made me feel incredible hope.

I went to two meetings that day, and found a sponsor that night.

Also something else happened. My best friend who's going though the same thing right now opened up to me. She admitted that she had used me, manipulated me, and lied to my face for months because of the pills. I then had to ask her the question I'd been wondering since the day she went into rehab.

"Do you or have you ever really loved me?"

This by the way was a question I had to ask myself when the shit hit the fan. Did I really love her? or did I love what we were together when we were drunk? I knew my answer and had hoped for the same from her.

I got an honest answer, and it was the conclusion that I had come to myself. We would have both gone down that path with or without each other eventually, neither one blamed the other, and we do love each other.

I then began to think about how amazing it will be to someday be able to do things together sober. After all we had made such an unstoppable force when fucked up. I can't imagine the things we can conquer with sobriety.

I'm doing this for myself - but I'm also doing this for the people around me. The people who care so much about me, knowing that I've lied to them for so many years, that they're ready to be there and support me in my recovery.

My lesson on day three?

Sweet Sweet Liquor will not be touched by me today, and by the grace of God not tomorrow or the day after that... if for nothing else I have to do this for the people who love me enough to risk being a part of my recovery - the people I can't let down yet again.

I'm an alcoholic...

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