I had a rough day today... my sober mind is hard to deal with.
How the fuck did I get to the point that my mind and body function better with alcohol than they do stone sober?
I yelled at my best friend for no reason today. I flipped out, and I feel like an asshole. My emotions are so hard to control right now.
I'm afraid. What if my best friend discovers she doesn't like me sober? What if people don't like sober me?
A few minutes ago I got back from a car ride... I like to do that when I wanna think or clear my mind.
The clear my mind thing didn't work, but I thought wayyy too much.
Somewhere in my fucked up mind I was angry with my best friend the last few weeks, but not for the reasons that I should be. I'm over all that, she's my best friend and I love her unconditionally. I think I was angry that she found the escape from life I had been searching for all these years when I drank. She went to a different world with pills and left me here. The first adventure we didn't take together. How fucked up is that?!? I see what she's gone through the last few months, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
It's not so much the world she escaped to that I think angered me... its the fact that it was her that hit rock bottom and not me. I feel so responsible for her pain... I know its not my fault. I know she doesn't blame me either. Nonetheless I feel responsible.
Whats fucked up most is that it's not, nor will it hinder my recovery. The fight today, my anger its all just part of the process. I'm not going to go drink because of this, nor am I going to take it out on her. I need to learn how to cope with all these feelings in my sober mind.
This world feels fake as I begin my long journey into sobriety. How can it be possible that being sober for me is like being drunk is for others. Drunk I feel in control, being sober seems unreal. How out of touch was I with the sober world that I can't even function in it?
Couldn't even walk more than 2 feet all day without feeling like my body didn't belong to me.
I know its going to take time to be able to understand my sober mind and body, just as it took time for me to prefer being drunk.
One day at a time... I keep thinking it over and over. Easy does it, one day at a time.
I need to go to bed, wake up, go to a meeting, and get an extra boost first thing tomorrow.
Hopefully my best friend will join me. Its much easier to deal with my mind like this when the person I trust most can relate.
I'm an alcoholic...