Its one giant fucking roller-coaster. I'm up one minute, and down the next.
Ignorant people piss me the fuck off.
I hate myself, I hate stupid people, I hate my family for not understanding anything I'm going through.
If I tell someone I need a few minutes alone to calm down and blog, why the fuck can they not leave me alone without making some stupid fucking snide remark?
For some reason I feel threatened by this kid who my best friend met at a meeting. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. It has nothing to do with my next statement, but I'm generally good at reading people and I don't trust him. I'm also pissed off because he's better looking than me, and he's way to fucking smooth to be a good person... nobody that smooth is ever a good person.
When I was drinking I never really cared what everyone else looked like. Now I can't stop focusing on the fact that I don't like my appearance. I don't feel attractive in the slightest bit (I know I sound like a woman... but I guarantee I'm not the only guy to ever feel this way). I feel like every woman I've liked or tried to date over the last few years has put me in the friend zone because I have "an awesome personality, we get along great" but I'm not attractive enough or not a giant douche bag so I'm not dateable.
I hate rude, uneducated people who don't think before they speak. I'm trying to practice acceptance, but I just can't help but want to tell some people to fuck off. Practice what you preach (i know i know... I'm working on acceptance just go with it). When I say uneducated I don't mean they don't have a degree. I'm talking about people who claim to know this program so well and live by it, but the second they walk out of the door its like they flipped off the 'AA switch'.
I'm sick of people who think because they have a few years in the program that they have all the answers. I mean shit I may only be on day 24, but maybe... just maybe I have something I can add that SOMEONE ELSE might benefit from.
Also where does it say I can't be there to help a woman in the program? I don't mean 13th stepping someone. I find that INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL and COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. What I mean is if there's someone of the opposite sex outside smoking a cigarette crying where does it say that I can't be there to talk to - for support? NOWHERE!!!!!
"Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism."
"Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."
Did I miss something?
I'm sick of always being there for people, and when I need someone I feel alone.
Why does everyone in my life, outside of the program think they know whats wrong or whats best for me? I don't want your advice and I don't want to hear your thoughts if you don't know what its like to be where I am. If you're in the program its one thing, but if you don't have any fucking clue what your talking about then don't get upset when I politely tell you that you don't understand, or if I politely listen but choose not to follow the advice.
Yes, I'm aware the bulk of this makes no sense... I just need a good vent.
Everything is confusing, life makes no sense. I hate that I'm short tempered with everyone, I don't know how to live sober. I know drinking won't solve it... or else I'd be at a bar instead of blogging right now. Knowing is half the battle I guess.
On a brighter note my sponsor is great, he heard me share today in a meeting and decided we should start working the steps after seeing my willingness and devotion to be in this program just from hearing me speak. I could tell he was apprehensive the first few days... he wasn't sure what to make of me or if he should even think about step work or busy work. I've had an open mind since my first week in the program, and the amount I've learned in just 24 days is absolutely amazing.
Its just a matter of learning how to use it now... and that my friends is an entirely different adventure.
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
... more shall be revealed.
ReplyDeleteIt must be a day to feel a bit rantish (is that a word?). I am tired but not much in the mood to write or blog. Just burned out. This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteVenting on a blog is like putting pen to paper for me. It is much easier because I can type as fast as I think. I use the f-bomb when I hit that anger level and my husband and boys just get out of my way and let me stew in my own toxic juices. I get past it..always with lots of help. I like what dAAve said.
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Bruce, If I published what I wrote in my journal when I was sober about 24 days, it would have sounded just about like this. It is OK. Just don't let these things drive you out of AA. It is worth it to stay. <3
ReplyDeleteI SOOOOO get this feeling. And it SOOOOO gets more amazing and better than you can possibly imagine, just keep working with your sponsor and doing your best to submit to all that he has to offer in suggestion and direction! My journal (blog) sounded a LOT like yours does now when I was where you are... I also had people in the rooms spout irritating "Sayings" to me "relax and take it easy" "this too shall pass" I wanted to choke the living SH#* out of them. "IF I COULD F*BOMB FIGURE OUT HOW TO RELAX DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD?! THIS TOO SHALL PASS UP YOUR A## THIS IS NOT OK WITH ME!" Is what my brain seemed to scream among other stuff.
ReplyDeleteDude, I so believe in you and in this program! I hope you continue to share what you find here, I feel better just knowing you're willingness and honesty! It's awesome!
I can really relate. I am not that far ahead of you in days of sobriety and I am surprised at all the emotions I finally felt when I wasn't self medicating. I was also surprised at how I felt about myself- the good news is that the longer I go without drinking the better I feel physically and emotionally. At day 120 of my sobriety I no longer feel like a giant roller coaster....(more like one of those little kiddie ones!)
ReplyDeleteooooooh, I can so relate to everything you said here, Bruce. "You are right where you should be...keep coming back." That one used to really piss me off. But, ya know what? Those f***ers were right! :) It will get better...I am praying for you. WE (in the program)understand...
ReplyDeleteThe amazing thing about this program is that, if you choose, you never have to do day 24 over again. It's gone, it's past. You got it out. Some people will never understand you and sometimes people will understand what you're going through so much that it will freak you out. The good thing is that you do have a choice who you talk to and you can weed out the people who help keep you sick (or just really irritate you) by a process of elimination. For me, the reality is that there are people who are no good for me - for a variety of reasons- and those are the people I need to stay away from. Keep coming back!
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