Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 28

I just hit my knees for the first time in, well, God knows how long.

I prayed for strength. Strength to get me through today, strength for my best friend. I apologized to God for not being around as much as I should have, for not praying for the past few years.

I prayed that he keep my best friend strong, she's having a really tough time with everything.

My pink cloud is officially gone.

The program says I should take care of myself first, which I have been doing. I don't agree with me not caring for her, or worrying about her. Being there when she needs me. That's who I am... that's who I've always been. Someone who deeply cares for others, especially the people I love. I love her.

She's been in a downward spiral the last few days, she's stopped confiding in me. She feels alone. I could never stop caring for her, or not be there. I know I'm never alone as long as I have her in my life. Yes... I know I always have God too, but its nice to have someone speak back.

She's never alone in this world, I'm always here for her. I love her unconditionally. I can't describe the way I love her. Its more than just a friend that I know, but I've never experienced this before. I'm not IN love with her, but I've never cared so much for someone who's not related to me. I can't explain it... but I know if she wasn't in my life I'd feel lost. She makes me feel better, knowing she's there just makes me feel safe I guess. We can talk about anything, everything. If there was a word beyond comfortable thats what I'd use to describe how I feel with her. No matter how fucked up everything gets, or how bad a day we both may have, I just feel better knowing I have her in my life.

I'm at a loss right now as to what to do. Instead of being there for her, reassuring her, my friends mother brought her to the hospital for a drug test this morning. She refuses to believe that this is what we go through to get better. The lady went to one al-anon meeting and thinks she's got it all figured out.

The reality of the fact is that every time my friend turns to her mother for, well, a mother she ends up worse off than where she started. Somedays I wish I could just 'kidnap' her from that situation. She loves her family so much, and I know they love her... they just don't understand. They think they do, but they have NO IDEA what this is like.

This program, this process... its not easy. It takes everything I have every day to stay strong enough to not drink or not go back to pills. When I felt anxiety over this a few minutes ago my first thought was to find my father's Xanex which I quickly talked myself out of. I know how fucked up my mind is, and I can't begin to imagine whats going on inside hers.

The fact that she's gotten so depressed, so hopeless scares the shit out of me. It's in God's hands now... all I can do is pray. The progress she's made the last few weeks. I can't even begin to explain the changes I've seen for the positive.

It's ironic... she's been telling me to hit my knees on some of my worst days and I've refused to do it until now. She's a great friend, a great companion. I can't imagine my life without her.

Today I called out of work,  I'm planning on hitting meetings ALL day. I need AA in my life today, I need as many meetings as I can get. Its gonna be one of those one minute at a time days.

Please keep me and my best friend in your prayers today. We BOTH need it.

My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic.


  1. Bruce, I hope that both of you will be okay. Keep up with prayer. There have been days when I said the serenity prayer over and over. Take care.

  2. I know that if my love could have saved my son from his addiction, it would have. It wasn't my lack of love for him, it was the fact that I wouldn't get out of the way and let his HP work in his life. I hope the mom gets back to al-anon. It will be there when she is ready. Hugs to you and prayers for your bff!


  3. Hey Bruce,

    I haven't written before because I can't comment from work, but I read your blog every day. You're doing great... the emotional swings are normal. Just take it day by day, hour by hour. And remember, if love alone could save us, none of us would have needed AA. Your friend is on her own path. I hope it's similar to the one you're on, but if not, don't let that make you stray.

  4. Bruce, I'm still here also, reading your post daily. I do not comment much here--because it seems to me much of what you share on the blog, is stuff for between YOU and your SPONSOR.

    The daily 'sayings' are all inspirational and good...and usually what I need also to read on a given day.

    I am SO glad you decided to stick with us. Keep it up, one day--or ONE HOUR at a time. And do not forget to ask for help 16 times a day if necessary to keep away from that first, FIRST one.

    Steve E


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