I had a HORRIBLE day yesterday, and it was the first time I haven't been able to make a meeting.
I've been the 'adult' in my family for YEARS. I started the company my whole family works for, have handled all the finances, etc... since I was 17 years old. Unfortunately over the last year my drinking progressed to the point where we had to close the company.
We are in the process of getting it back up and running, and my family had promised to help me. "All you have to do is get it ready at night after your meetings, and we'll handle the rest."
I turned my finances over to my mom for a couple months last month so I don't make a stupid mistake. Now my cell phone's off because someone neglected to pay the bill.
How the fuck did I fall for that one? I've been taking care of this family for years... now that I need to focus on me and my recovery they can't wrap their heads around it. I asked my father to do two things yesterday... make a phone call, and go have my new tire put on the car. How many of those do you think got done?
I could understand if he was doing something, but instead I came home to him sleeping on the couch at 2:00 in the afternoon! And how hard is it to give me a check to sign to pay my cell phone bill?
My family just can't wrap their heads around the fact that I need a few weeks to take it easy. I have no doubt in my mind that had my stress level been less the last few years I without question wouldn't have drank so much. Correction I wouldn't have drank so often - the quantity is all me. I started as a problem drinker, and progressed to hardcore drunk. I don't think its too much to ask after all the time I've put in over the years taking care of everyone.
Yesterday all I wanted was to pull into a bar and get SHIT FACE DRUNK! That's how I've handled stress for the last 5 years. Instead I just started yelling. Maybe not the best response, but certainly better than drinking.
Thats another thing, I've never been this cranky in my life!! I have zero tollerance for stupid people, bad drivers, even people who talk to much. Never gave a shit when I was drunk.... but now that I'm sober LOOK OUT. God I hope this is just a part of the process!!!!
My best friend pointed something out yesterday that really hit home... if I relapse/fall off the wagon she likely will too. What we're doing is very dangerous. Then it occured to me... I don't want a drink. I won't drink!!!
I'm still trying to figure out this higher power thing (Grew up Catholic... enough said? ha-ha). Everytime I want a drink I just think about all the people in my life who are supporting me, all the people who I'd let down. My family, my friends, all the great people I'm meeting at AA, and perhaps most importantly my best friend. I wouldn't be in AA without her. I have to stay strong and sober, not only for myself, but all the great people who are staying strong for me.
Closing today's blog is a quote I found on an AA recovery site that made me laugh, but it's so true.
"I need to stick with the winners, not the people who co-sign my bullshit."
Essentially a 'keep coming back' slogan for people like myself who like their advice straight to the point sometimes.
I'm an alcoholic...