I don't feel as angry anymore (but I'm still insanely cranky ha-ha). FINALLY got a good nights sleep last night.
My body's starting to like this sober thing. The sober 'mush mind' isn't as mushy anymore.
Still get the shakes... A LOT but its not as bad as the first few days.
Full meals... yummmm. Hadn't had much of an appetite until the last few days... now give me something to eat and I'll destroy it!
I'm really starting to like sobriety. It feels good!!
The temporary 'Pink Clouds' are still amazing, but I don't depend on them as much right now. Not every day is going to be perfect. Sure they seemed perfect while drinking, but that's because I really didn't give a shit anymore. As strange as it sounds its nice to feel the effects of a bad day.
Today is also my best friends 60th day of sobriety. I'm overwhelmed with a sense of pride. 60 days is HUGE! Her 60 days has given me so much hope, so much inspiration. Hell I'm excited for 15!!
Never did I think I'd see the day when I'd be excited to bring my best friend to get a 60 day chip. If you told me a few months ago I'd be as proud as I am to see this day, or be as excited as I am looking forward to my 30 day chip... I would have thought you were insane.
I'm in complete awe! The second family I've began to make at meetings has quickly expanded to the net... who would have ever thought I'd find so many folks in recovery with a blog started to vent. Even more amazing is the strength you all give me daily.
It's a HUGE day for my best friend at 60 days, its a HUGE day for me at 15 days. This sobriety thing is nice. Who knows how I'll feel about it tomorrow, but that's not an issue. I'm taking this 'One day at a time.'
“Great effort from great motives is the best definition of a happy life.” –William Ellery
My name's Bruce, and I'm an alcoholic...
Nice. Congratulations to you both.
ReplyDeleteThanks Syd!
ReplyDelete2 weeks is awesome.
ReplyDeleteI got my first tattoo on my 39th birthday. I didn't check with my sponsor or my parents either and I doubt any of them could have talked me out of it. My sponsor is there to work through the steps of the book with me, not be my babysitter or parent. I found some great truth in that tattoo, some great truth about powerlessness and about what others think of me or say to me has power over me.
ReplyDeleteMy head (the committee my sponsor calls it) told me lots of stuff was working against my better ideas. The fact that you chose to write that it wasn't going to keep you sober indicates that you, like me, already heard some judgment or idea that 'made you' want to clarify the purpose. Powerlessness is in the need to justify, explain or reason with someone or something that has power over me. That power is the same power that takes me to the drink beyond my ability to reason it out. The feeling/power "made me" act and caused me to reason, but the reason doesn't come until after the impulse. Where does that impulse come from and where will it take me.
Things, opinions, ideas have power over me, though at times I REALLY wish they wouldn't. Though we want to believe they don't. They do! Why?
Have you ever noticed that there are some people, or institutions, that we can't seem to get out of our heads? Like when you went to get the tattoo... any person or thing come to mind as you were doing it... any voice of opposition? Besides the ones here I mean. Though they're not really opposing they're just expressing opinions. Why do the opinions matter? Why do they have the power to make me want to explain myself, to debate? Why do THEY have power over me?
Those, I learned, were the voices of powerlessness, the ones I began to set to paper in a first column of a list that became freedom from having to explain, justify or reason it out in argument or debate. I began to get better from those early "decisions" to symbolize my sobriety... but only because my sponsor and the fellowship growing up around me were so great about telling me I wasn't alone and that my experiences weren't unique, they were just the right experiences to show me powers in my life.
I realized somewhere in the process of recovery that I make lots of what seem like innocuous decisions to do stuff to symbolize or to make me feel connected, problem was ... I wasn't doing the stuff that really did get me the power. So even though the books, the hanging out with friends doing cool stuff, going to meetings and 'talking' to my sponsor symbolized a connection and weren't necessarily bad ideas, I learned something that started with some direction and suggestion on page 61 of the Big Book. Even when trying to be kind and not doing anything to cause anyone else or even myself harm I could be in the powerlessness of my disease. Of course I bet your sponsor explains this much better than I do.
Mostly I just know that even at 39 years old it upset me that my parents and other people still affected me with their opinions (of MY tattoo on MY body, with MY friends and MY ideas about how I live MY life.) Why could they still make me feel THAT way? Good question huh?
Bet you'll find the answer when you stop doing innocuous stuff (that's only about you and your friends anyway) that causes you to have to argue with the committee instead put the real inventory on paper! :)
Have an awesome day today Bruce, I LOVE that tattoo!